Shiny gold stars

...indicate 100% otherfucker. Yes, it's only Shout At The Devil, but after the atrocity of Psychobilly Freakout anything is good going. Also Tonight I'm Gonna Blah Blah Blah, which is the better achievement because it's just better than Shout.

Reverend Horton Heat can suck my balls

Because Psychobilly Freakout is kicking my ass on Medium. MEDIUM. I want to five-star the fuck so I can get on with Hard, but nooooooooooooooo, it seems intent to stay as difficult and unpleasant as ever just to irritate me. Hence, the Reverend and his flock can fuck themselves with a series of random logs. Even Medium Jordan wasn't this bad, and that was merciless.

Loltrades Part 2

I thought that the previous trade was stupid, but this one ticks more boxes. If you recall, I asked for wide receivers and/or running backs in exchange for Matt Leinart, and got a wholly unfavourable trade in return. This time, however, I was offered one player in a straight swap for him. If the player in question were, for instance, Torry Holt or Brian Westbrook, I'd be interested. But Chad Pennington? A man who is neither a rusher or a catcher? A man who is probably an inferior quarterback to the erstwhile Mr. Leinart? If these trades are indicative of the intelligence of my opponents, then this is going to be the easiest fucking league ever fuck yeah.

Loltrades Part 1

Barely two hours after putting Matt Leinart on the block and asking for wide receivers or running backs in return does somebody come back to me with a trade, and it’s one I have to think about. Admittedly, I’m not thinking about accepting it, I’m thinking about whether Rex Grossman would have turkey or turkey and bacon in his sandwich because the Sex Cannon is involved in the discussions. It breaks down as follows:

To the Saints: Muhsin Muhammad, WR, Chicago Bears
Fred Taylor, RB, Jacksonville Jaguars
Sexy Rexy, QB, Chicago Bears

To the Ky Cool Cats: Fitty, WR, Arizona Cardinals
Willis McGahee, RB, Baltimore Ravens (FUCK YEAH)
Matt Leinart, QB, Arizona Cardinals

Even at first glance, you can tell this trade borders on the clinically insane. Even if I broke it down into three trades – Fitty for Moose, Taylor for Willis and so on – the only one I’d even consider is Willis for Taylor. Moose is a #2 receiver in Chicago with a questionable ball-thrower while Rex IS that questionable ball-thrower, and the Jags have three running backs who want carries; in contrast, Fitty is sex, Leinart should really be my starter and Willis was my second pick. When I actually put Leinart on the block, I was looking for a good Fantasy receiver, someone like Deion Branch, who’d be a #2 option on most other teams. Instead, I got this. I think my reply – quote unquote “Are you fucking kidding me? No, absolutely not, not in a thousand years.” - hit the right note; condescending with a hint of arrogance.

Team #2 - The Spanish Inquisition

A badass name for something nobody ever expects, except this Inquisition will stamp your face into the ground and piss on your wives. They may also eat your children, I’m not sure. This team was done automatically, and I made the mistake of not changing the automatic draft settings – that’s why there’s an excess of running backs compared to the Saints. If you’re looking to watch as the Inquisition turn a league of eleven other respectable teams into a set of girlymen, they ply their trade in CBS Sportsline’s “Central Illinois”. Bring sunglasses and toasted cheese sandwiches.

Quarterbacks – As a result of being auto-drafted, I have Jon “TEN WINS BABY I’M REACHING FOR THE HEAVENS” Kitna starting (who was pick #56 overall) and Matt Schaub back in his role as someone else’s caddy (pick #152). It could be a lot worse, Kitna somehow dredged good numbers from his team of also-rans last year and now has Calvin Johnson to throw to, and of course Schaub’s spine has taken much less punishment than David Carr so he’ll go into Houston thinking everything’s milk and honey until someone sacks him and gives him eight cracked vertebrae. My money’s on Bob Sanders.

Running Backs – Fun fact, I had five running backs right after the draft including LaMont Jordan and Jerious Norwood. They are now gone, leaving behind starters Joseph Addai (pick #8) and Reggie Bush (pick #17), as well as Ladell Betts (pick #113) who shares his name with my absolute favourite X-Files character/episode ever. Addai has no reason not to kick ass, not even any bullshit about Peyton Manning and a tendency to rely on passing, whereas Bush can forget what the concept of rushing from scrimmage is entirely for all I care, as long as Drew Brees keeps lobbing balls at him. Betts…well, here’s hoping Clinton Portis becomes House’s latest patient-of-the-week. That, or Betts could eat plutonium and become a superman. I’m not fussy.

Wide Receivers – So the Saints have a #1 receiver and a #1A receiver. The Inquisition have a #1 receiver, a #1A receiver and a #2 receiver; Reggie Wayne (pick #32, coincidentally directly after Antonio Gates), Anquan Boldin (pick # 41) and Reggie Brown (pick #65), in order. It does mean that I have a significant part of my Fantasy season locked up in how well or badly Arizona play, which is actually fucking scary now I think about it, although it could be worse. I could have had Edgerrin James last year. Backing them up are Ronald Curry, who is apparently going to have a good season in the Oakland offence (and I can’t believe I used the words “good season” and “Oakland offence” in the same sentence without “there is no fucking way the” and “will have” in there), and Steve Smith. If only the Panthers had taken him instead of Dwayne Jarrett, the world’s expert analysts would never recover. Not to sound arrogant or anything, but this WR contingent is the best in existence. You might think otherwise, but you’d be wrong.

Tight Ends – Just the one, Benjamin Watson (pick #80, one before Chris Cooley). The problem with this is, with Donte Stallworth and Randy Moss now in the Foxborough fold, where are Watson’s throws going to come from? I’m regretting the machine not picking Cooley now, and I may try to trade the two in a straight swap for one another.

Kickers – Shayne Graham (pick #89) and Joe Nedney (pick #161) bring in the special team noise bring in the special team funk.

Defensive Units – I initially only had the Eagles defensive unit (pick #104), but shortly after the draft, somebody did something stupid in dropping the Dolphins’ unit to pick up that of the Colts’ instead. Thinking “lol colts” since they lost a bundle of players but kept their tendency to turn into mincing metrosexuals the moment the playoffs kicked in, I said “yes plz” and picked the Dolphins up for myself. Now, I’m spoilt for choice. YAY.

Team #1 - The Second Letter Saints

A stupid name for a stupid team. Except the name kicks ass and the team is bitching, so fuck yeah Saints. There is a story behind the name, but this time it IS a stupid story – it doesn’t have any sex in it, so it’s a bad story. So the Saints were the team I was awake to draft, so it is less tailed to depth at the traditional positions, and probably looks like it sucks.

Quarterbacks – Tom Brady starts, after being picked in the first round (pick #10 overall, between Larry Johnson and Joseph Addai), and he’s backed up by Matt Leinart (pick #111 overall, two picks after Matt Schaub and ten after Eli Manning. That name really has some influence). It’s probably the best quarterback duo in the league, rivalled only by the Peyton Manning/Philip Rivers pairing of Azbound07, but I’m naturally biased so I say I win on this front. However, Leinart is on the block because I'm not going to bench Brady any time except Week 10; as a potential replacement for him, I also took the liberty of picking up J.P. Losman, who will have to be Brady's bye-week replacement.

Running Backs – The starters are Willis McGahee (pick #15 overall, picked before Reggie Bush and Lawrence Maroney, which could well come back to bite me in the ass) and Marshawn Lynch (pick #63 overall, also the first rookie to be picked), which is a fairly serviceable pair. I stand by Buffalo’s pisspoor offensive line as the reason McGahee never lived up to his potential, but if that’s true, it should mean Lynch will have problems himself…bad logic is all the rage in the West End, I hear. If things go right, McGahee will kick ass behind Baltimore’s O-line and Lynch will fulfil the predictions of being the most NFL-ready rookie of the ’07 draft class; if they go wrong, on the other hand, McGahee will tank and Lynch will get pounded into the mud. To make matters worse, the #3 rusher is Lorenzo Booker, a man who’s not even the starter for his club. Sure, he might end up splitting carries with Ronnie Brown, but he’s not exactly the best bye-week replacement. Basically, if either Willis or Marshawn get injured or suck, I’m fucked up the ass. This all said, there are a number of free agents halfbacks who could and probably will replace Booker, so who knows.

Wide Receivers – I’m lucky enough to have a #1 receiver and a #1A receiver to play about with, those being Larry Fitzgerald (pick #34 overall) and Andre Johnson (pick #39 overall). Unfortunately, from there it gets a little murkier – I have Sidney Rice and Reche Caldwell, one of whom I have to play alongside Fitty and Andre. It’s not exactly a problem, because they’re both playable, but there you go. The halfback situation sucks, the receiver one does not. Of course, Week 10 will be a headache because both Andre and Caldwell are out on byes.

Tight Ends – Randy McMichael (pick #82 overall) is the only one I have. I did draft Owen Daniels as well, but I think I dropped him to pick up Rice. McMichael does have to fight for receptions alongside Drew Bennett, Isaac Bruce and Torry Holt, but about six hundred yards and a handful of scores is a good score for any tight end.

Kicker – Adam Vinatieri (pick #87 overall). Adam Goddamn Vinatieri. That’s all I need to say. Of course, he may inadvertently have been traded for Robbie Gould, I don’t know yet, but that’s not exactly a crippling loss.

Defensive Units – The Chargers’ unit (pick #58 overall) is the starting one for obvious reasons; it’s one of the Big Five (the others, if you’re interested, are Baltimore, Chicago, Pittsburgh and New England). Backing them up are Oakland’s defense, cue the screams of horror at picking an Oakland player. I was as surprised as anyone to find that Oakland actually were a good team defensively last year, mostly because they sucked balls going forward.

Trading trading trading a kicker for a kicker

This is not the first trade I've been offered, but it is the first one I've actually had to consider. As you can guess, it's a straight swap of two kickers - I've been offered Robbie Gould in exchange for Adam Vinatieri. I had Gould last year, and he was pretty fucking awesome for someone I vaguely remember picking up in one of the last rounds of the live draft (or possibly in free agency after the draft, I'm not sure), so if I had anyone else lining up at kicker I'd be happy to make the deal. However, this is Adam Vinatieri - he won a playoff game by himself last year, he has possibly the best offense in the league pushing him forward and he's nigh-automatic on field goals. If this were a keeper or a dynasty league, I'd obviously have to take Vinatieri's advanced years into consideration (did you know he's been around for twelve years? I thought he was younger than that), but it's not. It doesn't help matters any that the team attempting to make the trade with me - Indy Shredders, although these names will mean nothing to you - will be in my division.

Hence, I said no. It's just trading a #1 kicker for a #1 kicker, and I can't see any point in it. Unfortunately, my hand had something else to say in the matter - it chose to accept the trade instead. This is probably because I seem to have no hand-eye coordination any more. The trade is going through a voting period, so assuming the Indy Shredders player doesn't cancel it like I asked him to (although why he would I'm not sure, I've had misplaced faith in internet peoples before), I have to rely on the other players to vote against it. Goddammit, I might be slightly retarded.

I mentioned another trade above, the first one I was offered, and this one was easy to say no to. I was offered D.J. Hackett and Vernand Morency in exchange for Larry Fitzgerald, and even without knowing anything about the Second Letter Saints' halfback and wide receiver depth situation you should be able to tell that's not a deal anyone wants to take. Giving up a stud receiver like Fitty for a pair of #3 players at best? That's lulzworthy at best. And yes, my team is named the Second Letter Saints - it makes sense to me.