Team #2 - The Spanish Inquisition

A badass name for something nobody ever expects, except this Inquisition will stamp your face into the ground and piss on your wives. They may also eat your children, I’m not sure. This team was done automatically, and I made the mistake of not changing the automatic draft settings – that’s why there’s an excess of running backs compared to the Saints. If you’re looking to watch as the Inquisition turn a league of eleven other respectable teams into a set of girlymen, they ply their trade in CBS Sportsline’s “Central Illinois”. Bring sunglasses and toasted cheese sandwiches.

Quarterbacks – As a result of being auto-drafted, I have Jon “TEN WINS BABY I’M REACHING FOR THE HEAVENS” Kitna starting (who was pick #56 overall) and Matt Schaub back in his role as someone else’s caddy (pick #152). It could be a lot worse, Kitna somehow dredged good numbers from his team of also-rans last year and now has Calvin Johnson to throw to, and of course Schaub’s spine has taken much less punishment than David Carr so he’ll go into Houston thinking everything’s milk and honey until someone sacks him and gives him eight cracked vertebrae. My money’s on Bob Sanders.

Running Backs – Fun fact, I had five running backs right after the draft including LaMont Jordan and Jerious Norwood. They are now gone, leaving behind starters Joseph Addai (pick #8) and Reggie Bush (pick #17), as well as Ladell Betts (pick #113) who shares his name with my absolute favourite X-Files character/episode ever. Addai has no reason not to kick ass, not even any bullshit about Peyton Manning and a tendency to rely on passing, whereas Bush can forget what the concept of rushing from scrimmage is entirely for all I care, as long as Drew Brees keeps lobbing balls at him. Betts…well, here’s hoping Clinton Portis becomes House’s latest patient-of-the-week. That, or Betts could eat plutonium and become a superman. I’m not fussy.

Wide Receivers – So the Saints have a #1 receiver and a #1A receiver. The Inquisition have a #1 receiver, a #1A receiver and a #2 receiver; Reggie Wayne (pick #32, coincidentally directly after Antonio Gates), Anquan Boldin (pick # 41) and Reggie Brown (pick #65), in order. It does mean that I have a significant part of my Fantasy season locked up in how well or badly Arizona play, which is actually fucking scary now I think about it, although it could be worse. I could have had Edgerrin James last year. Backing them up are Ronald Curry, who is apparently going to have a good season in the Oakland offence (and I can’t believe I used the words “good season” and “Oakland offence” in the same sentence without “there is no fucking way the” and “will have” in there), and Steve Smith. If only the Panthers had taken him instead of Dwayne Jarrett, the world’s expert analysts would never recover. Not to sound arrogant or anything, but this WR contingent is the best in existence. You might think otherwise, but you’d be wrong.

Tight Ends – Just the one, Benjamin Watson (pick #80, one before Chris Cooley). The problem with this is, with Donte Stallworth and Randy Moss now in the Foxborough fold, where are Watson’s throws going to come from? I’m regretting the machine not picking Cooley now, and I may try to trade the two in a straight swap for one another.

Kickers – Shayne Graham (pick #89) and Joe Nedney (pick #161) bring in the special team noise bring in the special team funk.

Defensive Units – I initially only had the Eagles defensive unit (pick #104), but shortly after the draft, somebody did something stupid in dropping the Dolphins’ unit to pick up that of the Colts’ instead. Thinking “lol colts” since they lost a bundle of players but kept their tendency to turn into mincing metrosexuals the moment the playoffs kicked in, I said “yes plz” and picked the Dolphins up for myself. Now, I’m spoilt for choice. YAY.