Loltrades Part 7

To start with, let me first say that while I detest using anything but Firefox, it's decided that working normally is for sissies and wants me to work for my internet privileges. I don't think it quite realised how willing Opera was to deputise though. Hey ho. I will admit that, in this case, the loltrade is not quite as lolworthy as previously, it seems my opponents are getting smarter. The trade was thus:

To the Swiss Army Soldiers - RB Marion Barber, K Neil Rackers
To Ham-n-Cheese - RB Travis Henry

On the face of it, that doesn't look so bad. Sure, Henry's on pace for a 2000+ rushing yard season, but that can hardly last and Barber gets all of the goal-line touches. He's one of the better fantasy point producers, as it happens, because of that, and the addition of Rackers is just a bonus, right? Wrong. Hideously wrong. Henry may not have a nice couple of games coming up - although Jacksonville no longer seems to be such a scary proposition against the rush - but I do not even come close to needing Rackers, and without him, it's Barber for Henry straight up. If I were missing a credible kicker, I'd be more receptive of this move, but Stephen Gostkowski is more than sufficient for my needs.

Even after I took all of this into consideration, I was still pondering the merit of the move. Then I looked to the side and saw a little sidebar giving details of the last three trades to involve Barber. One of them saw one ambitious owner prise away him, Anquan Boldin and Matt Leinart for Henry and Deion Branch. Compared to that, this looked like a pile of dog crap. In reply, I offered him something else; I think it was Fred Taylor and Greg Jennings for Barber, with a note that I'd consider trading any receiver up to and including the ex-Reggie Brown.

R.I.P. Reggie Brown, 2005-2007

In the wake of Reggie Brown's sad demise as a useful fantasy football player, tributes have come pouring in from all over the league. These are some of the most touching.

---

Brian Westbrook: My earliest memory of Reggie was during his first game against Washington, when he sat in the middle of the field before the game started and refused to play because he wasn't getting enough throws. He was subbing for T.O, see, and he'd been ordered to act as greedy as possible. Hell, he even threatened to hold out when a vending machine only gave him one can of Mountain Dew instead of the eight "a superstar of his magnitude" deserved. He was so greedy, even T.O. himself was impressed. He was a man playing among boys, and I'll miss his steady eight or nine points every week.

Donovan McNabb: I'll never forget the day Reggie convinced me to grow my hair out. He said we'd both do it together, and if the media laughed at us, well, we'd get our own back by winning the Super Bowl. Then he turned up at practice with no hair at all, and everyone laughed at me, so I threw twelve interceptions in the next game just to show how dirty I was willing to play. I don't know why Reggie has suddenly become such a poor choice at wide receiver, but I'm certain that in some way, the white man is to blame.

Terrell Owens: He carried my bags in from the team bus once, I thought he was with the hotel. Man knew how to take a suitcase to the face.

Mark Richt: I coached Reggie when he was a Bulldog, and I can safely say I've never seen anyone quite so crazy. Once, he poured wheatgrass into a Florida player's helmet, and when the guy put his helmet on, Reggie kicked him in the crotch. It would have helped if he hadn't done it in a bowl game, but that was Reggie. Once he got an idea, he was going to have sex to with it and there was nothing anybody could do to stop him.

Michael Lee: Reggie was a big inspiration to me as a kid. I had him in a money league last year, and it came down to the wire between me and someone in Minneapolis for $500. I was down eight points with only Reggie left to play, and the Minneapolis guy was already talking trash about what he was going to do with the money, he was either going to use it to pay for his son's dialysis or his own impending liver transplant. So I'm just sitting there, biding my time, and boom! Reggie catches a touchdown, gets a hundred yards and I won by one point. So, naturally, I could only say "HOW'D YOU LIKE THAT DIALYSIS, BITCH?" to the guy in Minneapolis. A couple of weeks later, I found out he died because he couldn't pay for his new liver and his heart stopped worrying about it. True story.

Bye Bye Unbeaten Records

Second Letter Saints 105 - 121 Indy Shredders - The first of presumably many division games in the Happy Drunks leagues ends with an unpleasant loss thanks to Marshawn Lynch getting snuffed out by Pittsburgh, San Diego's defence being shat on by Tom Brady, LaMont Jordan having ANOTHER fucking great game and Larry Fitzgerald being touchdown-less. Even Brady himself can't carry a team. I keep spelling Jordan's first name as "LaMonth". It must be a sign.

The Spanish Inquisition 80 - 114 Mapleton Dragons - Urgh. None of my three receivers broke a hundred yards or had a touchdown, and the Eagles got smacked down by Washington. I think that's all I need to say on that front.

Swiss Army Soldiers 109 - 112 Mike ConVick - So it's down to the last game of week 2, Washington and Philadelphia. The score sits at 107-112, with the last player on the board being Reggie Brown. If he has sixty yards receiving or a touchdown of any length, I'll win. The Redskins have a fairly weak set of corners, so I figure this should be a chipshot. He has 27 yards and loses me the game. If I'd started Brandon Jones in his place, the score would be 112-112.

London Knights 89.49 - 103.3 Earl Campbell EXPRESS - Maurice Jones-Drew continues to disappoint everyone up to and including Al Gore, mainly because LaMonth scored triple his points this week (15.9 compared to 5.1 for Nancy). Santonio Holmes didn't do me any favours either. Or Nate Kaeding. But mostly, the thing that killed me was Antonio Gates, Jerricho Cotchery, Marc Bulger, Marques Colston...basically everyone not on my team.

Christ Punchers 145.02 - 159.22 SJSM - In my defence, when I drafted most of these players I knew this team was going to be horrible this year. I'm keeping Tom Brady and Calvin Johnson at least, and almost certainly Steven Jackson as well (it depends where I finish. If I have the first overall pick come next year's draft, I may not keep him and see who else is left).

Team E.B.E. 118 - 107 Total Badasses - The Entities are the only team of mine to stay 2-0, and for that I have the Johnsons to thank. Cleveland's near-retarded defence gave up 32 points to Ocho Cinco, and Carolina's somehow dropped their guard long enough for Andre to pick up 24 himself - that's 56 points between two receivers, for those of you counting at home, and if you are your loneli-wait, I think I've heard this before. Of course, Nancy worked his/her magic here, doing his/her damndest to make us lose, but the Johnsons and Donald Driver toiled like pack horses to expunge such sissiness from the Entities. Then I find out Andre will probably be out next week, which is the biggest load of cunt ever.

There Is Something Deeply, Deeply Flawed In This World

Cincinnati scoring 38 points is not a shocker, nor is Carson Palmer throwing five touchdowns - against the porous Browns defence, anything less would have been the surprise. Thing is, there's only one way to explain Cleveland scoring 51 points in a single game, Jamal Lewis running for over two hundred yards in a single game and Derek Anderson also throwing five touchdown passes all occurring in the same game, but I can't see the Four Horsemen riding down my street so I'm fucking stumped. But that's not all going on in this world tonight - Houston beat Carolina 34-21, Tampa Bay won over New Orleans 31-14 and Green Bay smacked the shit out of the Giants 35-13. I may actually have to kill myself now, because I'm not sure I want to live in a world where Cleveland can score more than fifty points without getting a 30-point headstart.

Your Sport Picks Are Bad And You Should Feel Bad

Normally, I wouldn't do this to a fellow member of the blogotubes, but "Kenny O" decided to break the code of honour by shilling his blog on Kissing Suzy Kolber. If you didn't realise there was a code of honour, don't consider yourself too stupid because it doesn't really exist, it would be cool though. Anyway, Kenny O's blog mostly drew my ire because it sucks like an experienced Thai prostitute servicing George Bush - it has some random news, picks on the NFL's games that set records for brevity and a bias towards the Dallas Cowboys that is beyond stupid. Like I say, his picks ARE bad and he should feel bad, so screw his face into the wall. The best part of this is that Kenny O and HIS SPORT PICKS, to give it its proper title, were nominated in the Blogger's Choice Awards or Best Sports Blog - in comparison, KSK was not nominated, nor was Mudcrutch or the guy behind Lowetide. For shame.

SHAME.

Good News Bad News

The good news - Notre Dame is now 0-3. Notre Dame's Jimmy Clausen had 74 yards passing. Notre Dame is 0-3. Clausen got sacked nine times and lost 65 yards in total as a result. Notre Dame is 0-3. Notre Dame, over their first three games, has managed a total of minus fourteen rushing yards (which goes past chilly, past frozen and past absolute zero in terms of temperature-related sports metaphors, this is a whole new level of cold). No Notre Dame receiver managed more than 23 yards. Michigan lost two fumbles. Notre Dame is 0-3.

The bad news - Charlie Weis is still not going to get fired for this. Neither will Lloyd Carr for the debacles that were Appalachian State (FUCK YEAH) and Oregon. Michigan is 1-2. Finally, even with the shittiness that is these Fighting Irish, Rudy still wouldn't have made the team.

Week 1’s So What?

That title does sound more like something Sports Illustrated would come up with, but it seems about right. This is just going to be a post wrapping up the previous week, with an obvious bias towards the players and teams who won or lost me games.

1) Turns out Drew Brees getting his pass batted down into his own hands isn’t unheard of. If Peter King is to be believed, the first completion Brett Favre threw was to himself, catching a pass batted down by a member of the Buccaneers’ defence. Sure, it resulted in a seven-yard loss, but you can’t have everything.

2) My God, Notre Dame is fucking pathetic. Two losses is bad enough, but having a total run yardage of minus eight for the season – MINUS EIGHT FOR THE SEASON, in case I didn’t emphasise that enough – is just shit. Whoever’s in charge should just end themselves right now. They’re not going to get any love against Michigan either, because the Wolverines are going to be PISSED; however, if Michigan are as bad as the Pac-10 and the entirety of Division 1-AA now believes them to be, maybe it’s them who enters the season 0-3. I personally don’t care which, because either way, a team I despise is going 0-3.

3) Number of touchdowns scored by Mario Williams – 1. Number of touchdowns scored by Reggie Bush – 0. That’s the stat “du jour” being trumpeted by everyone not named Reggie Bush, and it’s fucking retarded. I’m glad Williams had a good game, because he’s gotten too much flak for something that’s really not his fault; he might not have produced like a #1 pick should have in Houston, but remember that a) he was a rookie, b) the Texans’ defence was awful and c) Houston picked him because they mistakenly thought Domanick Davis/Williams was their answer at running back. However, the people harping on here about Bush not scoring are ignoring the fact that the Colts’ defence came out incredibly well and Sean Payton made some stupid decisions calling plays; he only had twelve attempts. Even if you add in Deuce McAllister’s carries, the Saints ran the ball just 22 times, and against a defence that was formerly so horrible against the run AND with a superstar back in the making, why the fuck wouldn’t you run more?

4) Sadly, the AFC North now looks like it could go either way. Aside from the abso-fucking-lutely bullshit offensive pass interference call on Todd Heap that denied him a touchdown – see, this is the folly of the challenge system. Because Brian Billick had already used the three timeouts, he couldn’t make a challenge on a play that, when the replays were shown on TV, was so obviously DEFENSIVE pass interference it made me cry – Baltimore didn’t look as nasty defensively as we have before, and the Bengals looked a bit mediocre on offence themselves. We may have bottled up Rudi Johnson and Carson Palmer (yardage-wise, at least), but the fumbles were just a colossal joke. Three in the first quarter means someone should get fired, because we were never going to come back from that.

5) Steven Jackson may want to explain how he managed to equal the amount of fumbles he lost last year in a single game. The Panthers’ defence has been known to be useful on occasion, but they’re not 58-yard-good and so some of the blame has to go on Jackson. It can’t have been a case of “nine in the box” because the Rams’ passing attack would have eaten them alive, so what’s the problem?

6) I despaired when I heard Josh McCown was going to be starting for Oakland and not Daunte Culpepper, who, by all accounts, had a better preseason, and I’m not quite sure why I started Ronald Curry over Sidney Rice or Dwayne Bowe. Regardless, the decision was sound – even with Andre Johnson’s big game against Kansas City, Anquan Boldin and Larry Fitzgerald flubbing in their games made Curry the best receiver on the Saints, with 19 points. I’m hoping that the Cardinals’ performances were just aberrations because I’ve got a significant amount invested in them.

7) I said elsewhere that my pick for Rookie of the Year would be Ben Grubbs if players in the trenches had a fighting chances, but since they rarely do, my pick went to Patrick Willis of the 49ers; while his first week performance could just be a flash in the pan, nine solo tackles, two assists and a forced fumble is a good stat-line by anyone’s standards (unless you were a Bengal on Monday).

8) Ignoring the other storylines going on in New York, what’s with everyone overvaluing Derrick Ward? OK, the guy’s going to start for the Giants, that’s fair enough, but Warrick Dunn starts for the Falcons and people aren’t beating one another with shitty sticks to have the honour of having him on their team. He had a good performance against the Cowboys, but the Dallas defence in general was proven to be more hype than anything, so why did one stupid owner think it a good idea to drop Fred Taylor for him? Sure, Taylor’s sharing carries with Maurice Jones-Drew, but Ward goes up against Green Bay and Philadelphia in the next three weeks, both sturdy defences. I’d be happy to bet that A.J. Hawk and Nick Barnett will make him miserable. The players in that particular league seem very happy to jump onto anyone with good performances – aside from Ward, one team dropped L.J. Smith for THE CLEATED CRUSHER and another dumped Chad Pennington for Brady Quinn. Even the Sex Cannon himself wasn’t safe, being dumped for Jake Delhomme.

---

Second Letter Saints 129 – 118 azbound – Thanks to a clutch of brilliant performances, the Saints’ 129 points puts me top of the overall standings. Of all nine players, only two failed to reach the ten-point mark – Fitzgerald and Randy McMichael – but they were compensated for by Tom Brady’s 29 points and the San Diego Chargers scoring 23. Not only was Curry the best receiver on the team, but he was also the third-best point producer.

Swiss Army Soldiers 87 – 92 Zoolanders – The crowning turd in the waterpipe of the Ravens/Bengals game was that, if Steve Freeman hadn’t decided that sensible officiating was so last season, Todd Heap’s touchdown would have given me the win here by a single point. Admittedly, McNair’s horrible performance had more than something to do with it, as he had zero points thanks to the interception and the three fumbles – believe it or not, but I’d have been better off playing Philip Rivers against the Bears – and Reggie Brown’s inexplicable disappearance from the Packers game did nothing to help me either.

Spanish Inquisition 95 – 74 EXCALIBUR – Reggie Brown struck again, but I had a comfortable lead before Monday night thanks to Eli Manning and the Giants torching the Cowboys’ defence; even though the Inquisitors had both the 26-point Jon Kitna and Ronald Curry on the bench, Matt Schaub actually had a damn good game in his first as a Texan, always pleasing to see. I will confess to not quite knowing where the 95 figure came from until I added everything up by hand, though.

Team E.B.E 96 – 93 itsSEXtastic – While neither team reached their projected totals and there were disappointments across the board, I have Joseph Addai and Andre Johnson principally to thank for this win. The Steelers’ defence made up for Vernon Davis not getting a single point, while Johnsons both Andre and Chad provided the points Maurice Jones-Drew failed to. All in all, there’s not much complain about here.

Christ Punchers 134.7 – 114.54 bonecrushaz – The oblique scores are courtesy of Fleaflicker’s style of scoring; in their case, a running back with 58 yards would receive 5.8 points, whereas in most other places, he’d get 5 for it. Despite some horrible Fantasy performances from some players – Terrell Suggs didn’t score and Adalius Thomas had one point for one tackle, while Robert Meachem didn’t play period against the Colts – and a fantastic performance from the benched Mario Williams, whose 15 points gave him the same amount as Suggs, Thomas, Brian Dawkins and Nick Barnett put together, I rode Tom Brady and the Baltimore defense to this victory. Brady had 34.5 points, the Ravens 35 thanks to Ed Reed’s punt return touchdown and blocking the first extra point and Calvin Johnson 17 in a great debut game for him.

Gameday #2 - New England Patriots @ New York Jets

18:00 - Dear fingers, I apologise in advance for wearing you down to the bone, but three games in a row with alternates = a lot of work for you. The over-under on Kevin Cadle's "ball game" quotes is standing at fourteen for the Pats/Jets game alone, and thanks to the marvel that is Sky Digital, I'll be switching between the two games whenever I feel like it; that said, the Pats/Jets involves me a hell of a lot more than Miami/Washington because, with the trading of Ronnie Brown, I don't care about the Dolphins anymore. Surprisingly, someone gave me Maurice Jones-Drew straight up for the guy, in a keeper league. Hell yes.

Right now, the following players are fantasy targets for me. Tom Brady is the most obvious one, he's playing on two of my teams, but I benched Laveranues Coles in favour of Santonio Holmes just before the game, a decision I'm now regretting because I'm just hearing that Asante Samuel is now not playing. I have Ben Watson with the Spanish Inquisition, the Patriots tight end, Stephen Gostkowski is a Saint and Adalius Thomas is a Christ Puncher. And don't worry, I'll only be doing the length of this and maybe Miami/Washington as well.

18:07 - Thanks Addy, he gets a pass deflection credit and it helps because Jerricho Cotchery misses the first down by only a yard on the third-and-long.

18:08 - Hah. Starting the Broncos looks like a good call, they've apparently already sacked J.P. Losman once.

18:11 - Uh-oh. Ben Roethlisberger I chose to bench for the Knights, and I say uh-oh because he's just hit Hines Ward for an early touchdown. Here's hoping Jay Cutler delivers.

18:13 - Brady to Welker almost picks up a first, and how many times is that going to happen this year? Meanwhile, Travis Henry has himself thirty yards rushing already, and Carolina are up 7-0 on St. Louis; bring on Bulger.

18:16 - Randy Moss gets his first reception and it's a beauty - he does a neat move to shake his coverage before the ball's even thrown and also gets a handful of yards after the catch. It takes the Pats into the red zone.

18:17 - The Steelers' defense makes a pick off Charlie Frye, and apparently both Buffalo and Green Bay have scored, against Denver and Philadelphia respectively. And I have both of those defenses starting. Ah.

18:20 - Three times right now, of Brady's four completions three have been to Wes Welker including that one for a touchdown. Pats 7 - 0 Jets, off a 91-yard drive in total. Also, I like point-per-receptions, because it means Sidney Rice might get some points; the Vikes are 7-0 up against Atlanta.

18:23 - Turns out it wasn't Buffalo's offense that provided the touchdown, it was Roscoe Parrish returning a punt for a touchdown. Ditto Green Bay, that was White returning a recovered fumble into the endzone. Speaking of fumbles, the Jets almost screwed themselves over by fumbling, but recovered it successfully.

18:26 - Nick Barnett earns me some points, he makes an interception off Donovan McNabb and I'm hoping that does indeed count for a linebacker.

18:27 - Bulger to Holt for a touchdown pass, is there anything sweeter? The Rams tie the game up 7-7 against the Patriots, and those are some much-appreciated points.

18:30 - THE CLEATED CRUSHER scored himself a field goal against Philadlphia, apparently he's not completely useless as the Packers go 10-0 up. Here, Stallworth sees his first throw, gets it and gets out of bounds.

18:33 - I benched Jon Kitna for Matt Schaub, thinking that Kitna would get eaten alive by Nnamdi Asomugha and company, but Schaub just got intercepted by someone on the Chiefs defense.

18:36 - The first BALL GAME of the night is overshadowed by the fact that the benched Chester Taylor has more points than both Jones-Drew and Willie Parker right now. Pennington just got crushed on third down, and I think Mike Vrabel gets the credit for it. I'm a little concerned now about Reggie Brown, he hasn't even got a single catch in this first quarter.

18:39 - Jacksonville are up 7-3 against Tennessee, courtesy of David Garrard hooking up with Groussard, it's also still a seven-nothing BALL GAME here as the first quarter ends Patriots 7 - 0 Jets.

18:41 - We're back in the second quarter, it's still a seven-nothing BALL GAME. Hoo bloody ray.

18:44 - Great. Roethlisberger has his second touchdown pass of the night, to Santonio Holmes and Pittsburgh is up 17-0. Still, every cloud has it's silver lining and Brett Favre gets picked off by the Eagles' Sheldon Brown. And goddamn, the Steelers defense recovers a fumble as well.

18:49 - Cassel goes all Romo on me as he flubs the field goal snap, meaning Gostkowski gets no chance to work hismagic and it remains 7-0 to the Pats.

18:52 - Chad Pennington hits Coles right between the numbers for an 18-yard gain, and I'm most interested in Coles' performance because of him and Santonio Holmes; he's thankfully losing at the moment, but gets another first down when he's left open. Buffalo's defense is sadly being stout and restricting both Jay Cutler and Travis Henry, and it seems playing Roethlisberger would have been a better idea now.

18:54 - Damn, that was impressive; Pennington, just after being sacked once, gets chased down by the Pats' line but hucks it to Leon Washington on an emergency screen and the running back almost gets the first - it was second-and-17, for comparison. Elsewhere, David Akers made his field goal but it got nullified by an offensive holding penalty; never to be deterred, he made it again on the second attempt and put the Eagles on the scoreboard.

18:58 - Aw, shit, Coles might not have taken the lead but he did outwit Rosevelt Colvin and he got into the end-zone successfully, turning this into a 7-7 BALL GAME. What I want to know is where the fuck Jones-Drew has been so far, he's had one attempt and lost yards in it.

19:02 - MATT SCHAUB~ delivers for the Texans and me alike, he and Andre Johnson team up for a 77-yard touchdown that I LOVE the sound of. I told someone who backed Kansas City over them that he'd made amistake, and they're proving me right but good.

19:04 - Brady sees he's getting no love from the coverage, rushes forward for four yards and a first, something I am more than pleased about. Incidentally, Schaub's sitting on 152 yards through the air so far for 10 points, and Brady now unleashes a beautiful pass to Randy Moss for a clutch of yards.

19:08 - In case you didn't already know, it's still a 7-7 BALL GAME, and we're being treated to an over-long shot of Mangini and Belichick just standing there. In near-silence from the commentators. And speaking of completions, Moss now has 87 yards off four receptions including the one he just made. I don't know about you, but this would be a fucking nice time for Ben Watson to pop up and make a goal-line touchdown catch.

19:10 - The Jets call a time-out after two unsuccessful Lawrence Maroney runs up the middle, and I don't why they're tarting about with this shit.

19:13 - They come back from the time-out and Tom Brady loves me; they stop tarting about with that shit and he wings it to Ben Watson. Five yards, touchdown otherfuckers. Interestingly, it's still in the first half and Pittsburgh have an interception, two fumble recoveries and FIVE sacks on the Browns.

19:15 - I think I just vomited in my mouth a little at the prospect, no matter how stupid, of the Buffalo Bills being moved to London and becoming the London Bills. Apparently Watson's catch is under review, so it's either a 7-7 or a 14-7 BALL GAME.

19:16 - IT'S A TOUCHDOWN. Patriots 14 - 7 Jets.

19:17 - David Akers makes the extra point to tie up Philadelphia and Green Bay, thanks to Donovan McNabb and Jason Avant geting the touchdown. Pennington gets sacked, but there's a penalty called on the Jets, offensive holding, that's declined. Guess it counted.

19:20 - Damon Huard, welcome to your life. He just got intercepted by Dunta Robinson, and who expected the Texans to have such a stout defense?

19:21 - The Sky coverage switches straight to the Skins/Phins game (it's still a14-7 BALL GAME at the Meadowlands) in time for Trent Green to hit someone with a touchdown pass as the clock expires and give Miami the lead going into the locker room. I could TRY to care less, but I don't think I'll have much luck.

19:23 - Halftime at Buffalo, who're still up 7-6; Travis Henry has 65 yards on ten attempts, but Lynch isn't having any luck with only 29 yards against the Broncos' front seven. St. Louis must have kicked a field goal right at the death, because they're beating the Panthers 10-7, Miami are up 7-3 like I said and Houston are still 10-0 up. Atlanta are losing 7-0 to Minnesota, although quite how is amazing considering Tarvaris Jackson has just 40 yards, and Jacksonville are winning 10-6 over Tennessee.

19:27 - Pittsburgh are obviously still playing because they extended their lead over Cleveland to 17-0 with a field goal from Jeff Reed.

19:28 - Why the fuck has Reggie Brown still not managed a single catch? Is he even playing?

19:30 - Fucking hell. Charlie Frye's left the Cleveland/Pittsburgh game, and I know this because Derek Anderson just got sacked, fumbled the ball and lost it. For those keeping score at home, that's an interception, three fumble recoveries and six sacks. :D

19:33 - It was Justin Peel who got the Miami touchdown, but it wasn't in this BALL GAME. The Jets' 100 total yards against 244 for New England does not spell good news.

19:35 - Huh. 108-yard kickoff return for Ellis Hobbs, but we missed the first seconds because of a technical arsing up. Turns out it was a history-maker - 108 yards is apparently the longest return ever, and I'm looking at the replay in awe because Hobbs was spectacular on that. Patriots 21 - 7 Jets. The previous record was 106 yards, held by three people and last seen in 1979 for Roy Green of the St. Louis Cardinals. The More You Know!

19:39 - Thomas Jones has had 7 rushing attempts and 5 yards. This does not bode well for the Jets, does it?

19:40 - HOLY SHIT, Mario Williams has apparently done something kickass. He didn't force the fumble on Webb, but he did recover it and make the 42-yard fumble return touchdown. He's also benched. Goddammit. The Texans are now 17-0 up. Also, Washington are in the lead thanks to Clinton Portis' 15-yard run, it's 10-7 there.

19:44 - lol tony pashos. I don't know how he's performed in the game, but he's called for a holding penalty for the Jaguars and so I can laugh at him. And Jesus, Pennington has really been taking a beating - he's now gone off after another sack. Kellen Clemens is in and oh dear, that looked fucking nasty for Pennington. Clemens makes his first pass, but it's nowhere near long enough for the first down.

19:46 - I'm not certain when this happened, but St. Louis are now up 13-7 after a second field goal.

19:48 - Yay Mario Williams with a sack. Again, welcome to your new life with no pass protection Damon Huard. Jay Cutler apparently has very little statwise - ~130 yards and an interception - but Ben Roethlisberger only has 65 yards somehow; how he can have that few yards and still have two touchdowns passesis beyond me.

19:51 - Randy Moss has himself his first touchdown as a Patriot, that's a 51-yarder and it puts Brady level with Peyton Manning touchdown-wise. If he carries on at this pace, he'll outscore Manning; he had 29 points in the win over New Orleans, while Brady has 27 points so far. Patriots 28 - 7 Jets.

19:54 - A couple of field goals submittd for your review. Longwell makes one for the Vikings (10-0 over Atlanta), Elam misses a fifty-yarder for Denver (still down 7-6) and Jake Delhomme has his second touchdown, to Steve Smith for 68 yards.

19:58 - Schaub makes another pass to Johnson, but Andre fumbles it and it's lost. Not good, but if it's only a loss of two points I can take that. I'm also fairly certain Reggie Brown is indeed not playing.

20:01 - Vince Young scrambles like he's wont to do against the Jags for two yards and makes the touchdown, makes it 13-10 Titans. The Jets are in a great position, but I'm thankful Coles couldn't make the touchdown catch...unfortunately, he caught the second. Patriots 28 - 14 Jets. Santonio Holmes is still a better choice than he is, but he's now only 0.3 points ahead. Torry Holt, for comparison, is only 0.5 points ahead of Coles, with 11.8 points in total.

20:04 - Marshawn Lynch has been producing decently so far today, and caps it off with a 23-yard touchdown run; he's now on 77 yards rushing, not a bad total against such a solid unit. Denver are now down 14-6, and I can assure you I didn't see that coming.

20:07 - Steven Jackson, #2 pick; he's lost two fumbles and only managed 54 yards. Yay. And Roethlisberger is now so much better than Jay Cutler with his third touchdown pass - Cutler's yet to make one and has been picked twice.

20:10 - The Eagles are up now, 13-10 over Green Bay, and somehow Randy Moss has about 150 yards. It might be a flash in the pan, but fucking hell it's a bright flash. At the end of the third quarter, it's Patriots 28 - 14 Jets.

20:12 - 28-14 BALL GAME! Houston's shutout bid has died, sadly, but they're still up 17-3; likewise, Atlanta have finally scored, they're down 10-3 against Minnesota.

20:14 - And speaking of shutouts dying, Pittsburgh have finally been scored on by the Browns. Derek Anderson made a single-yard pass to Vickers, but it's not quite a "fourteen-point BALL GAME", just 24-7 Pittsburgh

20:16 - Aw, just great. Now Jones-Drew has fumbled as well; he only has sixty yards in total, both receiving and rushing, and loses more points through that. This is still a BALL GAME, FYI.

20:20 - CBS is airing something for Survivor: China, and I can safely say I don't care even a little. Maroney's been bottled up surprisingly well by the Jets, partly because he's sharing carries with Sammy Morris but not completely. Any chance the Falcons might have had of coming back is good and dead, by the way, as Tarvaris Jackson and Adrian Peterson combined for a sixty-yard touchdown. THE CLEATED CRUSHER kicks another field goal for Green Bay, who're now tied 13-13, Carolina are in the lead 17-13 after a field goal there and the Broncos are back in it - Jay Cutler made a pass to Brandon Marshall, but the two-point conversion attempt was thwarted, they're now down 14-12.

20:24 - The Pats are on first-and-goal, Sammy Morris got nothing. This seems very familiar, come on Ben Watson.

20:26 - No luck. Gostkowski gets his first field goal, making it Patriots 31 - 14 Jets, but Tom Brady is still stuck on 28 points - now just one behind Peyton Manning.

20:28 - So Coles has two touchdowns. This makes him the best wide receiver I could have played, better than Holt and better than Holmes. Fuck. At this point, I'm really glad Jones-Drew and Kellen Winslow got points for catches, because it's not looking good.

20:30 - Roethlisberger to Heath Miller, 22 yards, touchdown. Kill me, kill me now.

20:35 - Antoine Winfield just pours on the pain for Atlanta, intercepting Harrington's pass and taking it back to the (Appalachian State's) Big House for the score. They're now winning 24-3.

20:38 - Where the fuck is Reggie Brown? Also, where the fuck is Randy McMichael? And now the Patriots are just piling it on, they're on the one-yard line and it looked like it was a touchdown on the previous rush anyway. Also, poor Kansas City - Travis Johnson now has an interception of Huard.

20:41 - Ah, it seems Reggie Brown is apparently alive. Donovan McNabb missed a pass to him.

20:43 - Speak of the devil, Evans jumps over the fucking huge pile to become the fifth player to have a touchdown for New England and make it Patriots 38 - 14 Jets. There's two minutes to go, and the Jets would be best served just letting the clock run out.

20:48 - Who'd have thought that of all today's games, Miami and Washington would deliver the tensest one? Jay Feely's just made a field goal to tie it again at 13-13, and I'm not exactly sure if it's the result of great defensive play or shit offensive play. Who cares, really?

20:50 - And that's it. New England win 38 - 14 over the New York Jets, and the coverage has switched to Washington/Miami. The Skins have the ball with 1:24 left to go and the score at 13-13, but things aren't helped by Joey Porter blasting Ladell Betts in the backfield for a short loss. The target is supposed to be the 33-yard line for Shaun Suisham, the Skins kicker, but he's made longer in the past.

20:52 - And the Skins are in trouble now. Jason Campbell's pass to Antwaan Randle Al was good, and Randle El almost made the catch on the third down, but now the Dolphins get their chance with a minute to go.

20:53 - Final scores so far: Minnesota 24 - 3 Atlanta
Houston 20 - 3 Kansas City
Tennessee 13 - 10 Jacksonville

20:54 - Trent Gren overthrows Justin Peel, who he got a touchdown to previously, but it looks like the Dolphins are happy to go to overtime now. They DO have three timeouts left, though. But FUCKING HELL, Fred Smoot just leapt in front of the pass and came so, so, SO close to an interception.

20:58 - My God, that's a Hail Mary and then some. Jason Campbell made a great long pass that was batted down in the end-zone, but it was batted INTO Randle El's arms. Randle El's facing up against four or five Dolphins and tries to do something to get in, but he gets shoved out of bounds just before the line. If they'd made it, that would have been an ending for the ages, but he didn't and so it goes into overtime with the score 13-13.

21:05 - Really not the time for injuries, Javon Walker's just gone off against Buffalo. Not having his best receiver when he's trying to get in field goal range is really going to hurt the guy.

21:07 - Final score from the Edward Jones Dome - Carolina 27 - 13 St. Louis. It turns out Walker isn't badly hurt, he's well enough to continue playing, at least.

21:09 - Nice of him; Ladell Betts, in the middle of a power run, crashes into his OWN left tackle and carries on going.

21:10 - On the Buffalo 24-yard line, Jason Elam makes the kick when it counts. Denver 15 - 14 Buffalo is the final score, but damn this is hardly a convincing win for the Broncos.

21:12 - The Skins call their last remaining timeout, but after some good runs from Betts and Portis, it looks like they're going to kick from thre. It's strange, because they've still got time AND they're still not that close. The field goal will be 40-yards in length.

21:14 - It's GOOD. Washington win, 16-13 over the Dolphins, and that's it from me because I need to pee. I'll be watching Chicago/San Diego very closely.

The scores on the revolving doors:

Spanish Inquisition 86 - 23 EXCALIBUR
Second Letter Saints 97 - 80 azbound07
Christ Punchers 77.3 - 73.54 bonecrushaz
London Knights 85.3 - 37.2 Filthy Flojams
Swiss Army Soldiers 61 - 20 Zoolanders
Team E.B.E. 81 - 47 itsSEXtastic

so i herd u liek mountins

Like Spinal Tap and the fall of the Berlin Wall, the author of this blog could have benefitted most from the Upset To End All Upsets I Mean Holy Shit That Was Fucking Crazy Dude simply because he's been outed as some crazy fortune-telling wizard. Although tonight was the first time I have ever corresponded or seen a genuine Mountaineer fan in what is the closest to the flesh these crazy crazy tubes allow us, I feel some sort of affinity to them, mostly because I've spent half my life supporting one of those teams who always looks inferior to everyone else around then somehow slaps the big teams around the face with a fish of some kind (if you're lonely enough to look, it's Charlton Athletic, now of the English Championship).

Gameday #1 - New Orleans Saints @ Indianapolis Colts

Being as how this is the NFL 2007/2008 season kickoff, I thought it appropriate to dedicate the first Gameday post to this game alone. It helps that I was able to watch it live, but in a couple of weeks that option will be taken away from me and the Gameday posts from there on out will be much more fantasy-oriented.

---

01:39 - Joseph Addai is down. Joseph Addai is down. Oh God, please let this be minor.

01:45 - Bob Sanders does what he does best on the first New Orleans snap, crushing Deuce McAllister after only a three-yard gain on the ground. It's vintage Black Jesus, and it makes me wish he wasn't on the bench; Brian Dawkins had better perform otherwise I'm going to be kicking myself.

01:48 - Addai's not getting treatment, so apparently God just wants to test how strong my stomach lining is at the moment. Let me tell you, bud, it's about as good as a Vietnam vet's. But thanks for giving Reggie Bush a first down, it means the Inquisition is now officially leading 1-0, yes, that's one point to bupkis.

01:53 - Reggie gets smacked in the backfield, and it's now back to 0-0. And Olindo Mare shanks his kick to the left just to add to my annoyance.

01:55 - He's back! And there was much rejoicing! But Peyton gets a first down so now the SLSaints are down 1-0; truly an insurmountable deficit.

01:59 - 1-0 Inquisition! You go Joe! Work that drive straight up the middle! Do it again! Work that generic play! Run behind the trail of destruction Jeff Saturday causes in search of his fabled sandwich!

02:00 - Aw fuck. Manning to Harrison for Indy's first touchdown, 27 yards in all, even if Adam Vinateri does get the extra point it's still only one measly point. NOSaints 0 - 7 Colts, and I can't believe Marvin Harrison's 35. Aren't receivers supposed to in wheelchairs by then?

02:06 - Urgh. I didn't know Brees wore contact lenses, so cool for him, but damn I did not want to see him putting it in on the sidelines. Similarly, I do not want to see close-ups of needles going into eyes, thank you Dr. House.

02:07 - Well, not something you'll see every day; one of Drew Brees' passes is batted down right back into his hands. He makes a try of rushing for the first, but gets no love from the Indy defense and so the Colts' offense is back on. So far, I'm underwhelmed.

02:10 - The first quarter comes to an end, and it's NOSaints 0 - 7 Colts. I also didn't quite realise how annoying it was to go "NOSaints" and "SLSaints" and such and such.

02:13 - Indy's pounding the ball on the ground with Addai who follows Ryan Lilja for a first down, but it turns out Kenton Keith is now getting the occasional snap. This is most displeasing and not good in the slightest.

02:16 - Well fuck me. Jason David forces a fumble on Reggie Wayne - FUCK, by the way - and runs it all the way back to hit some paydirt. Tony Romo isn't a Saint so Mare gets to kick the extra point that makes it NOSaints 7 - 7 Colts, and really who saw that coming?

02:19 - Sky Sports, the only broadcaster who feels it necessary to insert ad breaks every five minutes, bastardy thing that it is. Better yet, it turns out Wayne lost points for fucking up and is now a healthy "-2" as he loses control of a medium pass. What the hell's wrong with you, man?

02:23 - Seriously, what's wrong with Indy? Poor Anthony Gonzalez gets a ball hurled a good few yards ahead of him because Will Smith almost got to Manning. From Tarik Glenn to Tony Ugoh, it's going to be an interesting process for the Colts, might even be the only way to beat them. Addai's also just passed the fifty-yard mark.

02:27 - Damn, Sanders gets so close to picking off a pass intended for Marques Colston. Why did I bench him again? Doesn't matter, Aaron Stecker comes in from nowhere on the next play and gets a first out of it.

02:29 - And Reggie gets himself a first as well. I've also just released Robert Meacham hasn't even been mentioned yet, and he's starting for the Christ Punchers. This ain't good.

02:30 - I don't even think he's on the field!

02:31 - Reggie takes his eye off the ball and misses a pass he really should have sucked in. Mare gives the NOSaints the lead though, so that's a tiny consolation. Right? NOSaints 10 - 7 Colts.

02:37 - Wayne finally gets some positive yardage, and I'm scared that there's only five minutes left in the second quarterbefore I got to say that.

02:40 - I really, really wish Shaun Gayle would stop saying "7-7 ballgame", "10-7 ballgame" and crap. Speaking of crap, that's the second false start penalty Ugoh's taken to make it third-and-thirteen and see Manning have no luck going long to Wayne. Again.

02:42 - Shitty death as New Orleans takes a false start themselves as Reggie looked like he was about to go on a good run; as it is, he gets taken down by Rob Morris for just three yards.

02:44 - Eric Johnson fumbles and I think Sanders was the one to ultimately force it, but somehow he keeps the ball, and just to cap things off on a pointless drive here, Bush loses yards on a screen play. It figures today is the day the Colts remember how to play defense.

02:46 - It's official, Addai has so far been a better receiver than Reggie Wayne. A full five yards better, to be exact.

02:48 - "IT'S A TEN-SEVEN BALLGAME". SHUT UP!

02:51 - Colts are in the red zone for the first time, two time-outs left and this is a damn fine time for Addai to score. Dallas Clark got a pair of receptions just before, but fuck him.

02:53 - Or you could overthrow Harrison and go to fourth down. I'm not picky. Adam Vinatieri kicks a field goal - apparently he's never missed in the RCA Dome - and ties it up. Saints 10 - 10 Colts, because typing "NOSaints" over and over is pointless and stupid.

02:59 - Brees almost gets sacked by Dwight Freeney, who just blasts through the Saints pass protection, and would have if the quarterback hadn't tossed the ball away - Jamar Nesbit touches it and so they get called for an illegal touching penalty. It's all a bit superfluousin the end, because Reggie gets a couple of yards on a rush and the half ends. It's Saints 10 - 10 Colts.

03:01 - I'm so fucking hungry.

03:07 - Let it be know I am a sandwich-making god of some kind. Not just in quality, but in speed as well; I left the keyboard at a minute past three and am now halfway through a big fucking polony sausage (I think that's the English equivalent of baloney or bologna, however it's spelt) French bread sandwich. It tastes so damn good, and I've only once cut myself while making it (even then, that was 2002).

03:09 - As it stands right now:
SLSaints 4 - 12 azbound
SI 8 - 0 Excalibur
SAS -2 - 0 Zoolanders (Yes. Minus two points, thank you Reggie Wayne)
CP 0 - 0 bonecrushaz
LK 0 - 4 Filthy Flojams

03:12 - TEN TEN BALLGAME. I'm going to start counting the times he says the word "ballgame", it's become my new crusade.

03:16 - Just curious here, but whatever happened to this being a sixty-point game? I blame Reggie Wayne.

03:18 - "it's ten-ten in our ballgame". That's two, also apparently it's not Shaun Gayle talking. I'm surprised to say I can't remember the main guy's name. Addai gets another reception to keep him a better receiver than Wayne (he's now got 98 all-purpose yards), who almost screwed up the play thanks to an alleged illegal block in the back of Jason David. I still blame Reggie Wayne.

03:23 - Manning giveth and Manning taketh away - first he hits Harrison for a big gain and they get so close to a touchdown before Harper intervenes, then he hits the wall separating the turf from the fans on first-and-goal. But fuck that, Joseph Addai up the middle, touchdown Colts and it's about time. It's only two yards, but he's sitting pretty on 15 points so far, and Adam kicks the extra point as well. Saints 10 - 17 Colts.

03:25 - "SEVENTEEN-TEN BALLGAME". That's three.

03:30 - I've just checked in with Team E.B.E. and the score is somehow sitting on 19-13. Addai has 15 points for them as well as the Inquisition, Mare has 4 for them and Marvin Harrison has 13 for "itsSEXtastic". And again, it's a seventeen-ten ballgame (#4).

03:35 - I don't believe it. Not only is Addai a better receiver than Wayne, Ben Fucking Utecht has just outnumbered him as well.

03:36 - Boom. Addai hits the century mark.

03:37 - Thank Christ. Reggie Wayne finally justifies himself by catching a second Manning 27-yard pass; he gets out of negative figures, and the score becomes Saints 10 - 24 Colts. It's not quite a sixty-point game, but the tempo's moving up.

03:41 - Did I hear that right? Brees is 11 for 18 for 47 YARDS? That's fucking crazy.

03:47 - It's seriously showing that it's the first game of the season, there's now been four false start penalties, two on each team, but fuck that Freddy Keiaho just picked off Brees and the Saints are in trouble. I've got to say, the interception was picture-perfect and Brees looks pissed on the sideliness.

03:49 - Wayne gets himself another reception, he's now on 69 yards for the game and it puts the Colts in the red zone again.

03:50 - "Twenty-four-ten ballgame", number five since I started counting. And damn, Brees is on a passer rating of 51. I'm really surprised, I figured he'd feast on the defense.

03:53 - Yet another penalty taken, Al Michaels guesses wrongly it was for Will Smith's facemask on Manning because Ugoh gets another penalty. It doesn't matter here, though, as Manning's pass was over the head of Wayne, and Vinatieri bats the field goal in without a problem. Saints 10 - 27 Colts.

03:58 - So close. Brees almost gets sacked yet again, escapes, scrambles away but only makes to fourth-and-one, but even though they're seventeen points down, the Saints still punt. Also "Twenty-seven-ten ballgame" (#6). Because I can, a quote from Nick Holling - "The Colts don't beat you with tricks, they beat you with execution."

04:01 - Seems like Reggie's been a disappointment so far today; he's only managed 29 yards in total. The other Reggie, on the other hand, picks up his third reception for a handful more yards and he's now got 11 points.

04:03 - Forget that 11 number, the one you want to concentrate on is #87. Wayne delivers with a 45-yard catch for a touchdown, taking him to 115 yards in the game, Vinatieri provides the extra point. This does mean Manning's now on 29 points, but Deuce McAllister's been bottled up nicely enough, so azbound hasn't had everything go his way. Saints 10 - 34 Colts.

04:06 - "Thirty-four-ten ballgame" (#7), and I can now PREDICT when he's going to say it.

04:09 - Kickass, I get to see the Ravens/Bengals game. Also, it looks like it's not just Bush underperforming, it's the whole Saints offense - they go from being the top unit in the league to being shut down here. The Colts have 238 in the second half, the Saints 98.

04:12 - Oh dear. Robert Mathis picks up a fumble, gives the Colts the ball back and it's still a "thirty-four-ten ballgame"(#8). It's been challenged by Payton, but it's fairly clear - the ball actually gets knocked out of Brees' hand as his arm was back to throw and he makes the throwing motion before realising what the fuck just happened.

04:17 - Kenton Keith just had a damn good run to get another first, and I'm forced to ask did Indianapolis somehow unearth another Addai in him? If so, oh shit, we're all going to die. It looks like Keith might be getting the remainder of the carries from here on out as well.

04:24 - You know, this is actually pretty fucking fun. Nobody's reading, but fuck that noise. Despite what the label may say, I don't blame Reggie Wayne anymore, he came through but good in the end.

04:29 - Drew Brees, that was shameful. He throws a pass that's picked off so fucking easily he HAD to be throwing it straight to Matt Giodarno, and the safety takes it with glee back for a touchdown. Vinatieri, obviously, kicks the extra point to make it Saints 10 - 41 Colts. It's still not a sixty-point game, but after that start, 51 points is good enough for me.

04:33 - Take a bow for shame. If he finishes it like this, Brees will set a new record for lowest yards per completion number in HISTORY with just 6.2 ypc. Or maybe not, he completes to Henderson and barring a couple of horrible backward passes, he's ranked higher than Chris Weinke's record.

04:35 - That's it, it's over. Colts win 41-10 and I'm fucking tired.

---

The scores as they stand:

Spanish Inquisition 43 - 0 Excalibur [Addai finished the night with 19 points in all, Wayne with 21 and Bush with only 3. At the moment, six SI players are left to play in contrast to the full nine of Excalibur.]
Second Letter Saints 11 - 32 azbound07 [Adam Vinatieri had two field goals and five extra points for 11 points in all. On the other side, Manning had three touchdowns through the air for six points apiece and added another 11 by notching 288 passing yards for 29 in all, but McAllister also managed just three points himself. The Saints have eight players left to play, azbound has seven]
Swiss Army Soldiers 21 - 0 Zoolanders [These points are all the property of Wayne. The SAS have eight players left to play, Zoolanders have nine.]
Team E.B.E 23 - 14 itsSEXtastic [Addai had the 19 points, although was projected as having 21 by the Yahoo people, Harrison had 83 yards and a touchdown for his 14 points and Olindo Mare added a field goal and an extra point for us. EBE have seven players left to play, SEX have eight.]
London Knights 0 - 11 Filthy Flojams [11 points for Vinatieri here. The Flojams have seven players left to play, the Knights eight.]
Christ Punchers 0 - 0 bonecrushaz [Bob Sanders had five points for five tackles, but was benched in favour of Brian Dawkins; Robert Meacham was not benched, but didn't feature at all. CP has 13 players left to play, bonecrushaz has 14.]

Team #6 - I Am The Second Dumbest Man Alive (Team E.B.E.)

God seems to like me. Apparently, He was not pleased by my declaration that I was the stupidest person on His Earth, and so He confounded someone enough to give them that title. The Swiss Army Soldiers will be without Frank Gore and Travis Henry come week 6; the owner of GryphonRiders, who will incidentally be facing my team week 6, will be missing Gore, Javon Walker, Peyton Manning, Reggie Wayne and Roy Williams. Consider also that we start two wide receivers, one quarterback, two running backs and a wide receiver/running back flex option - at the moment, GryphonRiders is starting every one of those players. I will be without my two running backs, he will be without his top three receivers, his stud quarterback and his stud running back.

I will happily give up my title, he's clearly the dumbest man alive.

Quarterbacks - Although I am still in the running. I'd stacked up a couple of quarterbacks on the queue list so I'd be ready for my pick when I was called down to empty the dishwasher. I was as fast and as slapdash as I could be - I even broke a glass - but when I got back up here, the horrible truth was clear. I'd been given Marc Bulger in the fourth round, which I have no problems with, but then been slapped with Philip Rivers in the fifth. When I say I cursed up a storm, I mean a storm like no other, a storm on par with Katrina, something to make sailors weep into their pillows. It may have been an overreaction, but goddamn I was pissed. On later reflection, it wasn't as bad as I'd originally assumed; sure, it was a wasted pick, but it means I get to play the matchups with two legitimate starters. And that's not blind optimism or desperate reassurance talking, trust me.

Running Backs - With the fourth pick, I was guaranteed one of the bitching backs, but I hadn't counted on the player behind "Iron Men" having a mild stroke and thinking Rudi Johnson was too good to overlook at the third pick. Hence, I got my choice of Joe Addai and Frank Gore - I toyed with throwing everyone another curveball and choosing Shaun Alexander, but common sense won out in the end and I picked Addai. To go with him is Maurice Jones-Drew to put together an effective pairing with different bye weeks, which was of course the only thing I was interested in. I only have the one depth back, Brandon Jackson, because my later picks went towards receivers rather than backs; if push comes to shove I can probably prise a back away from somewhere else or get someone off waivers to deputise. By virtue of this being an eight-team league, guys like LaMont Jordan and Chester Taylor were never drafted, so there's some potential out there.

Wide Receivers - I think I've hit the jackpot here. Donald Driver and Chad Johnson are my most likely starters, and I'll also be playing Andre Johnson in the flex position, but behind them there's also Mark Clayton, who I'll play if he shows signs of breaking out, and Deion Branch, who will probably be nothing more than an emergency option. Still, there are innumerable options here; for instance, Clayton is going up against a Cincinnati defense that was, not to put too fine a point on it, shit last year whereas Driver is apparently playing through an injury. Everybody loves interchangability.

Tight Ends - I've joined everyone in the California area in praying that Alex Smith and Vernon Davis develop the best chemistry in the league because I went with Davis ahead of guys like Tony Gonzalez and Alge Crumpler, both formerly top tight ends before real life intervened to cripple their fantasy value (although in Crumpler's case, he's not so useless that I didn't draft him myself; those passes from Harrington have to go somewhere, and it sure as hell won't be Joe Horn). I might not need two tight ends, but if it turns out Harrington isn't completely useless I win.

Kicker - The leitmotif for this team has been to avoid picking players I've already drafted elsewhere; it's fallen short once or twice, with Rivers and Addai, but on the whole I'm not displeased with that. To that end, I picked Olindo Mare to kick for me, which is actually a bit of a stretch here - eight teams means only about ten kickers were picked, and the question is whether or not Mare is a top-ten kicker. I say he is mostly because of the quality of his offensive surroundings, but evidently others disagreed.

Defensive Unit - In a similar vein to above, I drafted Pittsburgh's defense, although this time all of my others had gone before. I'd narrowed the choices down to Pittsburgh, Seattle and Jacksonville, and only went with the Steelers because they have the weakest division when it comes to offense. With my last pick, however, I did also take Oakland's defense as well because I like the Raiders, dammit.

Team #5 Part Two - The Swiss Army Soldiers

Quarterbacks - One of the reasons the Gore/Henry mistake is so tragic is that I might have the best team in the entire league if things go right. Case in point, I took Philip Rivers in round 4, confident he can be a bonafide starter, and backed him up with Steve McNair later on; it's not a duo that springs out at you, but it's possibly the second-top one out of the twelve teams playing, only rivalled by a Vince Young/Donovan McNabb pairing. I've been told since that Rivers in 4 was a reach, but it's a reach prompted by Tony Romo being drafted at the end of the third round. I might have been able to get him in round 5, but my fifth round pick was T.J. Houshmandzadeh so I'm not complaining at all.

Running Backs - Urgh. Those two, plus the hastily-drafted Brandon Jackson and Greg Jones. Next.

Wide Receivers - OK, this I love. I think I may have one of, if not the best receiving corps in this league. Reggie Wayne and Hooch are going to start for me every week, while Reggie Brown, Brandon Jones and Greg Jennings will be played according to matchups each week. I know a lot of people are enthusing about James Jones for the Packers, who I like mostly because he shares his name with my cousin, but I think starting him would be a mistake for Brett Favre and his band of retirement-home-dodgers. He should really play a slot role like Anthony Gonzalez will in Indy, but what do I know? And why I am asking questions? Nobody's here to answer them.

Tight Ends - TODD HEAP TODD HEAP TODD HEAP. I was told I reached for Toddley when I took him in round 6, but the person who told me that drafted Tony Gonzalez one pick before so what does he know?

Kickers - Stephen Gostkowski was my pick, and I'm surprised he lasted so long. Considering he'll get all manner of extra-points to kick and more than a bucketful of field goals as well, you'd think he'd have been taken earlier. But as always, the stupid are there to be exploited (which was adopted as my family motto in 1812).

Defense - The Broncos' unit got a boost when Simeon Rice signed for them, proving once again that Tampa Bay are retarded in all manner of ways. When a pass rusher can still play, what kind of moronic retard would rel-oh wait, they're owned by the Glazers. Now I can expand my hatred of United to "all Glazer-related products". Good times.

Team #5 - I Am The Dumbest Man Alive

Picking at #6 in a twelve-team draft, I had my eye on a couple of obvious players. One was Rudi Johnson, whom I like because he's very, very consistent; another was Shaun Alexander, who I'd pick because he'd have fallen sufficiently from his projected #4 overall status. I guessed that if Alexander wasn't available, Johnson would be, so I'd be set. However, I hadn't reckoned with the owner of ZipZapZwee, who was autodrafting and had the third overall pick - namely, I hadn't reckoned with him being Brian Westbrook's prison bitch because the man picked him there. The response was a collective ":o", and I was pleased because the odds of Alexander falling to me had just shot up. Joseph Addai was pick #4 and Peyton Manning #5, and I was poised to choose Alexander when something hit me; Frank Gore's name was still on the board. In a thoroughly retarded panic, I started hammering at the "draft" button with the fury of an angry god and ignored all else.

The second round rolled on with less surprises; Reggie Bush and Maurice Jones-Drew were both picked, as were Chad Johnson and Torry Holt, and in keeping with my strategy of picking a pair of running backs, I selected Travis Henry, who I have to admit will perform even in Denver. I was rather chuffed come the later rounds, as a combination of stupid decisions had helped me rack up a formidable collection of skill players as well as the Denver defense; it was then that I made the mistake that will haunt me for as long as I play this cruel pseudo-sport. I looked at the bye weeks. Those of you who happen to know this information will have got the joke, but to clarify - Travis Henry and Frank Gore both have a bye Week 6.

I will be without my two star running backs come Week 6.

Oh my God I am so very, very stupid.

Ole Gunnar Solskjaer,You Kick Ass

Speaking of stupid decisions, someone elected to buy into the Jacoby Jones hype, picking him up from waivers and full intends to start him come Week One; it might pay off, but sunflowers might also grow from my nose. The player in question has Shaun Alexander and Koolaid Maroney as his halfbacks, but believes that Jones is good enough to warrant dropping Julius Jones. Like I said, stupid decisions are decisions I am happy to take advantage of, so I dropped Oakland's defense for him - I have San Diego, so I'm not worried.

But that's not what this is about. I'm here to pay tribute to one of the most underrated players o the league, a man who has just retired. Ole Gunnar Solskjaer will best be remembered for coming off the bench in the 1999 Champion's League final to score for Manchester United and either win them the game or tie it up, I can't remember which, and like I said, he's just retired. With him goes class not often seen in this environment of Chelsea and Arsenal acting like faggots and an impressive set of principles - he could easily have ditched United when he ceased to be a starter, but instead he was happy to stay and be the substitute to end all substitutes. It's a rare occasion you'll find someone willing to do this or their team - and don't quote Peyton Manning restructuring his contract as being something like this; it may be restructured, but he's still earning the same amount as ever so there's no real sacrifice there.

More Airplane Food

Every time I see a lawyer on TV, two things occur. First, I think of that chicken lawyer thing from Futurama (Wikipedia calls him the Hyperchicken. I also learnt that the Coney Island Whitefish were alluded to in Luck of the Fryrish, which blew my mind), then I think of the Rich Texan shouting the words "high-faluting". I have not before or since figured out what "high-faluting" means, where it came from - although it's usually part of the sentence "Now I may not be some high-faluting big city law talker" - or even if I just made it up. After that, I generally go on to Single Female Lawyer (fighting for her client, wearing sexy miniskirts and being self-reliant), then on to Single Asian Woman, which is possibly the most racist webcomic on the internet as well as producing the funniest results when edited. But this entry really serves as nothing more than a reminder I need to take a couple of books back to the library and to use "high-faluting" more often. It shall be used to describe someone or something that acts in an excessively upper-class way from here on out.

She's my apple cake

Cold glass of liquid this song's so fake
Sat down to write this and we all got baked
Sweet apple cake

Another Reason Why Mountaineers Are True Men And You Are Not

As most of the civilised world will now have heard, the Michigan Wolverines were upset by the Appalachian State Mountaineers yesterday. Michigan were ranked as the #5 school in the nation; Appalachian State, because they're in Division 1-AA, are technically ranked lower than every Division 1-A school, no matter how shit. Yes, that includes Stanford. Appalachian State blocked two kicks in one game yesterday, a statline that most teams in any league, pro or collegiate, would struggle to match in a season. Appalachian State celebrated by trekking into the mountains and successfully wiping the cougar off the face of the earth, then grilling a couple of bald eagles using the force of their game faces to light the fire. These Mountaineers are real men, they laid waste to Michigan like Attila the Hun and Genghis Khan put in a blender then poured into the mouth of Julius Caesar. Michigan cannot go unbeaten now because they stepped too close to the Mountaineers and got their faces broken and cunts punted. I cannot emphasise strongly enough how much better Appalachian State are than your favourite collegiate team.

Summary - MOUNTAINEERS. FUCK YEAH.

Woo Woo Join The Crosby Bandwagon

Sadly, it seems Crosby has become the new Manning when it comes to last names. People see the name Manning and have spasticated fits in some sort of retarded effort to be associated with it; fantasy football players invest virtual trillions just to get Eli Manning to disappoint and underperform for their time while Philip Rivers is left out in the rain until someone throws him the equivalent of a pity fuck at which point Philly Cheese Steak takes over and ROCKS YOUR WORLD. And the Mannings are all hicks. I heard today that Cooper Manning - a.k.a. the Stephen Baldwin of football - sells insurance, and while I know America loves Southern accents, I would not buy insurance (or anything) from someone who I cannot understand. Aside from Peyton, the entire Manning family are one big cockholster, this is an undeniable fact, and until Eli wins a Super Bowl ring he will be the biggest of them all. Furthermore, Meg Manning has nothing to do with the Mannings but has to do with Veronica Mars, and she is the rule that proves the rule because she is the very archetype of the snooty bitch you always wanted to give a good solid punt right in the cooter to. Season 2 Meg, at least, season 1 Meg was a sweetheart. And I just used sweetheart, goddamn that's gay.

But anyway. Mason Crosby just won the Green Bay Packers' kicker job despite only being a rookie and it has therefore provoked a veritable mental hospital of retards tripping over their own shit to dump their thousand-point-scoring players just so they can have a Crosby on their roster. I know he's of no relation to Sidney Crosby, who I have at least a grudging respect for - he may be a whining pussy and he may play in Pittsburgh, but that mo'fucka (as they say on da streetz) got game. Or got skillz, whichever works better. Also, he can never be the ugliest Penguin as long as Evgeni Malkin plays for them. Mason, on the other hand, has a stupid first name and the world's gayest nickname - "THE CLEATED CRUSHER".

THE. CLEATED. CRUSHER.

Forget that cleats is just a stupid word for boots for a second and marvel at the absolute faggotry on display here. That is not a nickname, that is pure, distilled moron. You could tap that and brew Moron Juice and sell it to other morons. And people are picking him up. One guy dropped David Akers for him, an act that probably did make the AK-74 cry himself to sleep. I know Andrei Kirilinko stole the AK-47 nickname, but fuck him, the AK-74 is a better gun and AK-74 himself is a better player. So everybody leap on the Crosby bandwaggon and be swift about it because soon another name will come along and you'll be left behind

Team #4 - The London Knights

Like the Deity Destroyers, the Knights are in the first year of a keeper league, but unlike them, the Knights are going to get fucking destroyed this year. They're in a ten-team league for which I managed to miss the draft for, and so they're below the calibre of the others - for instance, the team we've got in the first week managed to finagle Frank Gore, Philip Rivers, Willis McGahee, Larry Fitzgerald, Reggie Brown, Jeremy Shockey, Adam Vinatieri and Adalius Thomas into their starting lineup. For contrast, these are the Knights:

Quarterbacks - The autodraft machine, in it's infinite wisdom, elected to supply me with three different quarterbacks who all share a bye week; Jay Cutler, Ben Roflsberger and J.P. Dropped. I hear that since Roflsberger - which will remain his name from here on out because it's easier to spell - is in a contract year and Santonio Holmes has had time to bed in in Pittsburgh, we should see his production increase to 2005 levels. If indeed this happens, I'll let Famine know to start playing the matchups between him and Cutler while I'm trampled by the other three horsemen. As it stands, Cutler is my best option, which pains me because he's only got one stud receiver and, of course, is a Bronco. J.P. Dropped is so very very dropped, I have a waiver claim pending for the aforementioned Santonio Holmes and if it goes through Dropped will be dropped.

Running Backs - Willie Parker was my first-round pick, which will violate my edict of not playing two or more players from the same team sooner or later, when I'm pushed into playing Roflsberger, but as far as backs go it could be plenty worse. Behind him, unfortunately, is Ronnie Brown - usually, you might not think of him as a "aw crap it's him" player, but take a serious look at the rest of the Dolphins' offense and get back to me. Chester Taylor was apparently drafted in 86% of the leagues, which is odd because I still don't know what his role in Minnesota is - he's my third back at the moment, with LaMont Jordan on official triple-secret probation until Oakland has more touchdowns than LaDainian Tomlinson at any point in the season. I'm not joking here, the moment LT outscores Oakland is the moment Jordan disappears from my starting lineup.

Wide Receivers - Shockingly decent. Torry Holt somehow dropped to me in the fourth round (pick #32 overall. For comparison, Javon Walker was drafted with pick #31 and Lee Evans with pick #33), and Laveranues Coles joined him in the sixth round, not a bad state of affairs assuming Chad Pennington (or Kellen Clemens) performs to the best of his (or her) ability. I originally had Chris Chambers, but he was kicked out faster than a toilet stop in rattlesnake country to make room for the undrafted Vincent Jackson, a trade I consider to be more than useful.

Tight Ends - I actually have a bit of a dilemma here. I have Kellen Winslow and Owen Daniels, the latter of whom went undrafted, and neither seems like a bonafide starter. Winslow has a huge amount of Fantasy points to his name - 249.29, more than everyone else except Ronnie Brown - but plays in Cleveland with an old back, a crap offensive line, a mediocre set of quarterbacks and only Braylon Edwards to take the heat off him. Daniels has a decent quarterback, a shit offensive line and a mediocre running back. I'll probably end up going with the matchups and crying when it doesn't work, but this is a really weird situation.

Kicker - Nate Kaeding in an interesting state of affairs that sees kickers like Matt Stover stay undrafted. I've half a mind to pick up Stover and play the matchups with him and Kaeding, because Stover is basically money within the 35-yard line and even the 40-yard line, depending on whether I'm in full "RAVENS MOTHERFUCKER DEFENSE GONNA EAT YOUR CHILDREN BITCH" mode or not when you ask me. Which I almost certainly will be, because you try leaving your children outside and see how quickly they get turned into the next post-game meal.

Defense - The league doesn't play team defenses, but at the same time only allows one defensive player to be played of three. Will Witherspoon is my linebacker, Charles Tillman my defensive back and some guy in New Orleans my defensive lineman, but Tillman is about to be dropped for Adrian Wilson. Yes, the same Adrian Wilson hailed as the best defensive player in the NFC East. Someone was dumb enough to drop him for D.J. Williams, I guess it DOES take all sorts.

Scientists Unveil Formula For Metal; Rockers Pleased

STANFORD (Reuters) - In a conclusion of a two-year study, Professor S.R. Explosion of the Stanford Department of Music Theory and his team yesterday announced they have conclusively produced a formula to determine precisely how "metal" a particular object is. The quality of metal-ness has been ill-defined previously, some notable figures going as far to say that to be metal requires already being metal, and it is hoped the formula - simply titled "Explosion's Law of Metal" - will bring some much-needed order to the genre. Professor Explosion, the brother of Nathan Explosion, lead singer of "melodic death metal" band Dethklok, said of the testing procedure "We took in as much data as it was possible for me and my team to assimilate, and we are confident that the Law of Metal will prove a mainstay for years to come."

A more in-depth analysis released later revealed the two extremes the teams set - the least metal piece was Britney Spears' "Hit Me Baby One More Time", while the most metal piece was, surprisingly, Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture; when asked why he picked the 1812 Overture, an unnamed team member said only that the Professor considered both it and the composer "absolutely ****ing metal". Upon hearing of this, lead guitarist of the "thrash metal" band Megadeth Dave Mustaine's reaction was favourable. None of it can be adequately printed thanks to the excess of profanities he used, but it was favourable nonetheless. Professor Explosion and his team are looking into research possibilities even now, with one source claiming they will attempt to locate the mythical source of all guitar power - Rush's Alex Lifeson has allegedly been contacted to act as a scout for the group.

So What's The Deal With Airplane Food

More people should have the word "nary" in their day-to-day lexicon. It's simple and it's short - only four letters, not evil enough - but defined confusingly enough for the stupid and/or illiterate to be impressed and say things like "shucks you really done got some smarts there son, hey maw i done found me a high school ejukated friend" (for the appropriate effect, imagine Peyton Manning or Tom Hanks doing Forrest Gump saying that). It means something like "nothing" or "nowt", which is another word more people need to use, even if it does make you sound like a country bumpkin freshly back from his water mines and salt fields. It also features heavily in the saying "you'll get owt for nowt", which was originally a Satanic summoning chant before being adopted by the gay Mafia as their secret greeting.

Loltrades Part 5.5

Intended as nothing more than an addendum to the previous, after insisting Sidney Rice be included in the aforementioned deal, the Indy Shredders elected to put him on waivers to pick up Green Bay's Greg Jennings instead. I'd be remiss in my duties of screwing over other players if I eschewed the chance to turn the trade into an authentic LOLtrade, so long story short, Lorenzo Booker went back on the waiver wire to rot in exchange for Basmati.

Ness, We Hardly Knew Ye

So the current rumour going around is that one of the Original Twelve (it's like the NHL's Original Six, but twice as good. 6 * 2 = 12, you see.) from Super Smash Brothers is going to be cut for the upcoming se-sequel, Super Smash Brothers Brawl, and the expected target is one of Jigglypuff, Ness and Luigi. The news that Ness was included in this list made a little part of me die inside, especially since it was followed by the speculation that the Mother/Earthbound series would be represented by Mother 3's protagonist, Lucas. This would, of course, be a giant "lol u" to everyone outside Japan, since Mother 3 was only released there - the chances of it being translated for American sale is tiny already, making the chance of an English release as likely as Satan being let back into Heaven - but that's neither here nor there. My complaint is with cutting Ness and cutting Ness alone.

See, I play Ness. I played him in the original, by virtue of getting my cartridge used and having him (and the other characters besides) already unlocked when I first played it, and so I naturally played it in the sequel. He was significantly de-powered in the switch from the N64 to the Gamecube, but I persevered because Earthbound holds the title as "Best Console Game" in my eyes - it would be "Best Game Period" were it not for Fallout 2. Losing him would be a metaphorical kick in the pills with a steel-toed jackboot, hence my hissy fit at the possibility. To cut Ness when there are innumerable clones that could be removed is worse than stupidity, it is sacrilege. Maybe that's overstating it a little, but fuck you this is my tantrum.

Clones, for those of you unaware, are characters who play in a very similar or the same way as an existing character. Falco is a clone of Fox, for example - there are slight differences between the two, such as Fox's blaster attack being automatic (to put it real world terms) but having no stopping power, whereas Falco's blaster is semi-automatic but stops the opponent when it hits, but at their core the two are the same. Doctor Mario is a nearly-identical clone of Mario, so much so that all that would be needed to create Doctor Mario is to take a sprite of Mario and make a few aesthetic adjustments. He's basically a costume change. If anybody read this but me, I'd wager the Smash Brothers fanatics would call me a henchman of the Devil for daring to claim such, but that's a moot point at best.

To summarise - Lucas can suck on a cactus while Ness rocks (THE FUCK) out to More Than A Feeling.

Team #3 - The Christ Punchers

The Punchers are different to either the Inquisition or the Saints simply because the Punchers are being drafted in the first year of a keeper league, and from the stories (both impressive and horror) about keeper leagues, it's something I'm interested to be a part of. It does not, however, help that three of the league's sixteen owners are dead and only seven of us alive ones actually made it to the draft. It turns out that wide receivers are highly valued around these parts, with seven stud wideouts going in the first round alone, and as such, my own corps is less impressive than most.

Quarterbacks - Tom Brady was drafted a lot later than for the Saints, this time with pick #31 (in the second round, for those keeping score at home, and if you are, your loneliness saddens me. Of course, this is coming from someone with enough free time to catalogue the misfortunes of FIVE fantasy football teams, make of that what you will). I'm putting a lot of faith in him, and I hope fervently that his tendency to find and fuck ever-more beautiful women doesn't get in his way of throwing eighty touchdowns. I REALLY hope his at least stays healthy because if he goes down, I have to rely on Brodie Croyle and I think that prospect just gave me an ulcer. Be right back.

Running Backs - No matter how hard I prayed, the team with the first overall pick DID pick LaDainian Tomlinson and so I had to settle (hah) for Steven Jackson, with whom my only concern is that he faces some sturdy defenses (Baltimore, Green Bay, Pittsburgh, San Francisco and Seattle - I'm not kidding here. Green Bay have a pair of hundred-tackle linebackers, remember? The 49ers have the most expensive defensive back in the league, remember? Seattle keep scoring sacks despite all logic going against, reme-I'll stop that now). Still, he has Marc Bulger to fall back in terms of a threat, which is more than Jerious Norwood (or pick #98) can say. He may have gone from having a running back at quarterback to a quarterback at quarterback, but that quarterback is now Joey Harrington and the last I'd heard, fans were evacuating from Atlanta in droves to get away from the fact that he is now a starting quarterback again. If he sucks - which he probably will, thanks to facing eight men on every play - then I have Vernand Morency to rely on, even if "rely" is the wrong word.

Wide Receivers - ROOKIEFEST '07

It really is. Calvin Johnson was my third-round pick, and that might sound like a reach, but a whole bundle of receivers had already gone by pick #34 and I...well, panicked. Fingers well crossed that he kicks ass and takes names, and doesn't succumb the problems of rookie receivers. For that matter, I'm putting a lot in Robert Meachem to thrive with Drew Brees throwing him the ball and Marques Colston drawing double coverage all night long, and in Ted Ginn to...start? Starting sounds like the best I'll get from him at the moment, especially with Trent Green having pass protection not unlike that afforded by wet tissue. Isaac Bruce may well be my best option, such are the benefits of an All-Pro quarterback, running back and wide receivers on your offense; you tend to go unnoticed. Indeed, when God was questioned about Bruce, his response was "Who? Oh, him. I think he came from my rejects pile". And to round out the aqua teen wideout force, none other than Sidney Rice playing in the flex position. Feel the terror he brings, feel it deep in your bones.

Tight Ends - Daniel Graham has a lot of things going against him. For one, he plays in an offense famed for its run-blocking ability. For two, he has a young, relatively inexperienced quarterback. For three, he plays for Denver. For four, he plays for Denver. On the plus side, he has two first names, and he once played in New England. Not the most glowing of recommendations, but then he's a stopgap measure for me until Greg Olsen starts splitting wigs and busting caps in various asses. This is not entirely, but mostly, down to my colossal man-crush on Olsen.

Damn, it feels good to get that out into the open. Yes, people, Daniel Graham sucks and is ugly, and everyone must know.

Kickers - Shayne Graham (who I just traded in another league) and Jeff Reed. Both play in the AFC North and so both get the privilege of having their spines turned into an impromptu drum kit at some points by Ray Lewis and his band of Merry Murderers. Speaking of the world's best defense...

Defensive Units - Oh yeah. Four drafts and this is the first time I actually reached for them, I'm almost ashamed of myself. But seriously, Adalius Thomas is good and all, but he can now enjoy being the rock on which New England's defense is built on and the pressure that comes with it. Bmo'? They just slot someone else in and he'll be the next All-Pro. As the ancient proverb goes - "BMore. Why BLess?" I also picked up the Raiders' defense as well, even if I'll probably end up hucking them to someone else in an act of pity/stupidity/charity/dyslexia. The emphasis with the Units, however, is on stuff like total yards given up and special teams, because this league plays with Individual Defensive Players. Hence, if Nnamdi Asomugha - who could have the best name in the league, he's currently tied with Richie Incognito - makes a truckload of interceptions, I don't really benefit from it. If Terrell Suggs, on the other hand, decides he's had enough of these pussies and turns Brady Quinn's face into mush (which I don't think anyone's against), I DO get the points because...

Defensive Linemen - I picked him up as well. Apparently, he's the top point-scorer of all defensive linemen, which is always nice to know - it would mean more, however, if his 89 points weren't about a quarter of Steven Jackson's 387 points. But we soldier on regardless, and because this is a keeper and you have to make flutters on some people, I also picked up Mario Williams. I figure he's got to stop being mediocre some time, it might as well be this season.

Defensive Backs - Brian Dawkins is apparently one of the top three safeties in the league, although the author of this list DID place Troy Polumalu at #1. Take some of my iceberg-sized pinch of salt if you want. He's also been described as over-the-hill, but for pick #290 I'd draft Methuselah himself if he had an outside shot of helping me win (and the way the Chiefs' O-line looks at the moment, he's probably expecting a call). Alongside Dawkins, I also have Bob Sanders, a man I love like a brother - God knows my actual brother isn't even a fraction as badass as Bob - because he's my height and yet he has a Super Bowl ring. It's also well known that the Colts' defense stopped being useless when Bob came back because Bob would happily kill and eat their assorted children if he had to. Oh Bob, you so crazy, I like you and all but you so crazy.

Quite.

Linebackers - Adalius Thomas. Repping the Ravens connection (or connexshun as they say on "da streetz"). Also Nick Barnett, who gave me a scare because I didn't initially realise that he played MLB while A.J. Hawk was an outside LB - I was under the impression that Hawk might have leapfrogged Barnett on the depth chart, and so my immediate reaction was "Aw fuck what have I done?"

Dultrades part 6

Shayne Graham for David Akers, straight-up. The reason this doesn't qualify as a loltrade is because both men have the personality and charisma of a slice of wholewheat bread. More importantly, Psychobilly Freakout caved in like the bitch it is and coughed up that one extra star is needed and goddamn it felt good. Sadly, it was followed not long after by the progression to Hard, which was a shock to the system with the introduction of the pretty orange fret but especially Woman. Woman went from being a docile, tame piece of shit to God's own failure machine, thanks mostly to the horrible horrible descending triplets in the bridge. Completely uncoincidentally, I was watching "Rain King", a series 6 episode of the X-Files, and is was given a bundle of disturbing implications by the continued use of "making it rain". I laughed more than I should have, really, and that's probably because I haven't slept in thirty hours. Hey ho.

Loltrades Part 5

OK, I caved. The Indy Shredders player has some very disturbing fetish for Matt Leinart and really, really seemed to want the man - what was I to do BUT exploit this weakness? Originally, the guy proposed a trade to give me Chad Pennington (AGAIN. AGAIN. ROAR) and LaMont Jordan for Leinart and Reche Caldwell, something I rejected because it was cobblers (or more accurately, a bit shit. It wasn't bad, considering I have no backup running back, but eh. What you going to do?) On the advice of some people I have never and will never met, I elected to attempt a mildly-ridiculous coup of my own; Leinart for DeAngelo Williams and Pennington. It obviously got shut down, but to his credit, he didn't take the chance to decry me as a communist or a gay. More fool on the man, I say, but to each his own. Instead, he came back asking only for Sidney Rice to be added to the trade. Since Dwayne Bowe was sitting blissfully on the free agent market, losing Rice was hardly a crippling blow, and so the Shredders probably got robbed.

It was only after I'd accepted the trade that I realised what a mistake I'd made. I'd been thinking of Pennington in terms of being Tom Brady's bye-week backup, and could happily dump J.P. Losman for good (good riddance that is); too late did I actually look at their respective schedules and realise that now both of my quarterbacks are on byes in Week 10. I was not pleased - miffed is a more appropriate word. Note also that Caldwell and Andre Johnson are not playing that week either, and that only exacerbates the problem (also Shaun of the Dead is a teaching film. Tell your friends). I'm a very stupid man.

Loltrades Parts 3 and 4

I seem to be a lightning rod for Chad Pennington-involved trades, as to add to the previous Leinart-for-Chadly deal I was also bribed into leaving him in yesterday's keeper league draft with the enticement of a twentieth-round pick (or something equally as useless). The trader later welched on actually paying up, but considering I had no intention of actually picking Pennington at that spot it's no more than blue wet stuff off the back of a white and feathery water-borne animal.

Anyway. Trade number one would have seen Pennington and Santana Moss come my way in exchange for the Spanish Inquisition's starter, Jon Kitna. Somehow, Kitna has mutated into a viable fantasy option and I can only guess the world sneezed at exactly the right moment because, the last time I had a proper look, he was a flailing nancy sitting behind an offensive line with the stopping power of a spitball. Regardless, with a worryingly promising set of receivers and backs, there's less chance of him sucking this year than last year; it's not quite at the level where he has to try to fail (because God knows that comes far too easy in Detroit), but still. It certainly makes him look better than New York's noodle arm, and while I like Moss I don't like him enough to have a seizure and overpay for his questionable services.

Of less interest was the second trade put my way by "Dominatorz". Again involving Moss, this one called for me to give Anquan Boldin for Moss and Kansas City's Eddie Kennison - or, to put it another way, give up a #1 receiver for a #2 and a #3 (at best). Kennison is not only getting older but also has a new quarterback to get used to (and this is after switching between two last year) and is a run-oriented offense AND has a rookie wideout stealing his catches. So thems a lot of factors working against him, with only one potential positive - if Larry Johnson does hold out and Priest Holmes becomes the starting halfback, Kennison might get more balls thrown his way. Might that is, and it's a big might.

Bear is driving how can this be?

Seriously. Nine out of ten unlicensed taxis are driven by bears in human suits. Stay alive - stay informed. In other news, Psychobilly Freakout still remains unfivestarred but Beast and the Harlot now has a set of twinkling gold stars next to it. Yes, somehow I can 100% one of the top tier things but can't even get to second base with its uglier cousin. Bear is driving, dammit, bear is driving.

Shiny gold stars

...indicate 100% otherfucker. Yes, it's only Shout At The Devil, but after the atrocity of Psychobilly Freakout anything is good going. Also Tonight I'm Gonna Blah Blah Blah, which is the better achievement because it's just better than Shout.

Reverend Horton Heat can suck my balls

Because Psychobilly Freakout is kicking my ass on Medium. MEDIUM. I want to five-star the fuck so I can get on with Hard, but nooooooooooooooo, it seems intent to stay as difficult and unpleasant as ever just to irritate me. Hence, the Reverend and his flock can fuck themselves with a series of random logs. Even Medium Jordan wasn't this bad, and that was merciless.

Loltrades Part 2

I thought that the previous trade was stupid, but this one ticks more boxes. If you recall, I asked for wide receivers and/or running backs in exchange for Matt Leinart, and got a wholly unfavourable trade in return. This time, however, I was offered one player in a straight swap for him. If the player in question were, for instance, Torry Holt or Brian Westbrook, I'd be interested. But Chad Pennington? A man who is neither a rusher or a catcher? A man who is probably an inferior quarterback to the erstwhile Mr. Leinart? If these trades are indicative of the intelligence of my opponents, then this is going to be the easiest fucking league ever fuck yeah.

Loltrades Part 1

Barely two hours after putting Matt Leinart on the block and asking for wide receivers or running backs in return does somebody come back to me with a trade, and it’s one I have to think about. Admittedly, I’m not thinking about accepting it, I’m thinking about whether Rex Grossman would have turkey or turkey and bacon in his sandwich because the Sex Cannon is involved in the discussions. It breaks down as follows:

To the Saints: Muhsin Muhammad, WR, Chicago Bears
Fred Taylor, RB, Jacksonville Jaguars
Sexy Rexy, QB, Chicago Bears

To the Ky Cool Cats: Fitty, WR, Arizona Cardinals
Willis McGahee, RB, Baltimore Ravens (FUCK YEAH)
Matt Leinart, QB, Arizona Cardinals

Even at first glance, you can tell this trade borders on the clinically insane. Even if I broke it down into three trades – Fitty for Moose, Taylor for Willis and so on – the only one I’d even consider is Willis for Taylor. Moose is a #2 receiver in Chicago with a questionable ball-thrower while Rex IS that questionable ball-thrower, and the Jags have three running backs who want carries; in contrast, Fitty is sex, Leinart should really be my starter and Willis was my second pick. When I actually put Leinart on the block, I was looking for a good Fantasy receiver, someone like Deion Branch, who’d be a #2 option on most other teams. Instead, I got this. I think my reply – quote unquote “Are you fucking kidding me? No, absolutely not, not in a thousand years.” - hit the right note; condescending with a hint of arrogance.

Team #2 - The Spanish Inquisition

A badass name for something nobody ever expects, except this Inquisition will stamp your face into the ground and piss on your wives. They may also eat your children, I’m not sure. This team was done automatically, and I made the mistake of not changing the automatic draft settings – that’s why there’s an excess of running backs compared to the Saints. If you’re looking to watch as the Inquisition turn a league of eleven other respectable teams into a set of girlymen, they ply their trade in CBS Sportsline’s “Central Illinois”. Bring sunglasses and toasted cheese sandwiches.

Quarterbacks – As a result of being auto-drafted, I have Jon “TEN WINS BABY I’M REACHING FOR THE HEAVENS” Kitna starting (who was pick #56 overall) and Matt Schaub back in his role as someone else’s caddy (pick #152). It could be a lot worse, Kitna somehow dredged good numbers from his team of also-rans last year and now has Calvin Johnson to throw to, and of course Schaub’s spine has taken much less punishment than David Carr so he’ll go into Houston thinking everything’s milk and honey until someone sacks him and gives him eight cracked vertebrae. My money’s on Bob Sanders.

Running Backs – Fun fact, I had five running backs right after the draft including LaMont Jordan and Jerious Norwood. They are now gone, leaving behind starters Joseph Addai (pick #8) and Reggie Bush (pick #17), as well as Ladell Betts (pick #113) who shares his name with my absolute favourite X-Files character/episode ever. Addai has no reason not to kick ass, not even any bullshit about Peyton Manning and a tendency to rely on passing, whereas Bush can forget what the concept of rushing from scrimmage is entirely for all I care, as long as Drew Brees keeps lobbing balls at him. Betts…well, here’s hoping Clinton Portis becomes House’s latest patient-of-the-week. That, or Betts could eat plutonium and become a superman. I’m not fussy.

Wide Receivers – So the Saints have a #1 receiver and a #1A receiver. The Inquisition have a #1 receiver, a #1A receiver and a #2 receiver; Reggie Wayne (pick #32, coincidentally directly after Antonio Gates), Anquan Boldin (pick # 41) and Reggie Brown (pick #65), in order. It does mean that I have a significant part of my Fantasy season locked up in how well or badly Arizona play, which is actually fucking scary now I think about it, although it could be worse. I could have had Edgerrin James last year. Backing them up are Ronald Curry, who is apparently going to have a good season in the Oakland offence (and I can’t believe I used the words “good season” and “Oakland offence” in the same sentence without “there is no fucking way the” and “will have” in there), and Steve Smith. If only the Panthers had taken him instead of Dwayne Jarrett, the world’s expert analysts would never recover. Not to sound arrogant or anything, but this WR contingent is the best in existence. You might think otherwise, but you’d be wrong.

Tight Ends – Just the one, Benjamin Watson (pick #80, one before Chris Cooley). The problem with this is, with Donte Stallworth and Randy Moss now in the Foxborough fold, where are Watson’s throws going to come from? I’m regretting the machine not picking Cooley now, and I may try to trade the two in a straight swap for one another.

Kickers – Shayne Graham (pick #89) and Joe Nedney (pick #161) bring in the special team noise bring in the special team funk.

Defensive Units – I initially only had the Eagles defensive unit (pick #104), but shortly after the draft, somebody did something stupid in dropping the Dolphins’ unit to pick up that of the Colts’ instead. Thinking “lol colts” since they lost a bundle of players but kept their tendency to turn into mincing metrosexuals the moment the playoffs kicked in, I said “yes plz” and picked the Dolphins up for myself. Now, I’m spoilt for choice. YAY.