Scientists Unveil Formula For Metal; Rockers Pleased

STANFORD (Reuters) - In a conclusion of a two-year study, Professor S.R. Explosion of the Stanford Department of Music Theory and his team yesterday announced they have conclusively produced a formula to determine precisely how "metal" a particular object is. The quality of metal-ness has been ill-defined previously, some notable figures going as far to say that to be metal requires already being metal, and it is hoped the formula - simply titled "Explosion's Law of Metal" - will bring some much-needed order to the genre. Professor Explosion, the brother of Nathan Explosion, lead singer of "melodic death metal" band Dethklok, said of the testing procedure "We took in as much data as it was possible for me and my team to assimilate, and we are confident that the Law of Metal will prove a mainstay for years to come."

A more in-depth analysis released later revealed the two extremes the teams set - the least metal piece was Britney Spears' "Hit Me Baby One More Time", while the most metal piece was, surprisingly, Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture; when asked why he picked the 1812 Overture, an unnamed team member said only that the Professor considered both it and the composer "absolutely ****ing metal". Upon hearing of this, lead guitarist of the "thrash metal" band Megadeth Dave Mustaine's reaction was favourable. None of it can be adequately printed thanks to the excess of profanities he used, but it was favourable nonetheless. Professor Explosion and his team are looking into research possibilities even now, with one source claiming they will attempt to locate the mythical source of all guitar power - Rush's Alex Lifeson has allegedly been contacted to act as a scout for the group.

So What's The Deal With Airplane Food

More people should have the word "nary" in their day-to-day lexicon. It's simple and it's short - only four letters, not evil enough - but defined confusingly enough for the stupid and/or illiterate to be impressed and say things like "shucks you really done got some smarts there son, hey maw i done found me a high school ejukated friend" (for the appropriate effect, imagine Peyton Manning or Tom Hanks doing Forrest Gump saying that). It means something like "nothing" or "nowt", which is another word more people need to use, even if it does make you sound like a country bumpkin freshly back from his water mines and salt fields. It also features heavily in the saying "you'll get owt for nowt", which was originally a Satanic summoning chant before being adopted by the gay Mafia as their secret greeting.

Loltrades Part 5.5

Intended as nothing more than an addendum to the previous, after insisting Sidney Rice be included in the aforementioned deal, the Indy Shredders elected to put him on waivers to pick up Green Bay's Greg Jennings instead. I'd be remiss in my duties of screwing over other players if I eschewed the chance to turn the trade into an authentic LOLtrade, so long story short, Lorenzo Booker went back on the waiver wire to rot in exchange for Basmati.

Ness, We Hardly Knew Ye

So the current rumour going around is that one of the Original Twelve (it's like the NHL's Original Six, but twice as good. 6 * 2 = 12, you see.) from Super Smash Brothers is going to be cut for the upcoming se-sequel, Super Smash Brothers Brawl, and the expected target is one of Jigglypuff, Ness and Luigi. The news that Ness was included in this list made a little part of me die inside, especially since it was followed by the speculation that the Mother/Earthbound series would be represented by Mother 3's protagonist, Lucas. This would, of course, be a giant "lol u" to everyone outside Japan, since Mother 3 was only released there - the chances of it being translated for American sale is tiny already, making the chance of an English release as likely as Satan being let back into Heaven - but that's neither here nor there. My complaint is with cutting Ness and cutting Ness alone.

See, I play Ness. I played him in the original, by virtue of getting my cartridge used and having him (and the other characters besides) already unlocked when I first played it, and so I naturally played it in the sequel. He was significantly de-powered in the switch from the N64 to the Gamecube, but I persevered because Earthbound holds the title as "Best Console Game" in my eyes - it would be "Best Game Period" were it not for Fallout 2. Losing him would be a metaphorical kick in the pills with a steel-toed jackboot, hence my hissy fit at the possibility. To cut Ness when there are innumerable clones that could be removed is worse than stupidity, it is sacrilege. Maybe that's overstating it a little, but fuck you this is my tantrum.

Clones, for those of you unaware, are characters who play in a very similar or the same way as an existing character. Falco is a clone of Fox, for example - there are slight differences between the two, such as Fox's blaster attack being automatic (to put it real world terms) but having no stopping power, whereas Falco's blaster is semi-automatic but stops the opponent when it hits, but at their core the two are the same. Doctor Mario is a nearly-identical clone of Mario, so much so that all that would be needed to create Doctor Mario is to take a sprite of Mario and make a few aesthetic adjustments. He's basically a costume change. If anybody read this but me, I'd wager the Smash Brothers fanatics would call me a henchman of the Devil for daring to claim such, but that's a moot point at best.

To summarise - Lucas can suck on a cactus while Ness rocks (THE FUCK) out to More Than A Feeling.

Team #3 - The Christ Punchers

The Punchers are different to either the Inquisition or the Saints simply because the Punchers are being drafted in the first year of a keeper league, and from the stories (both impressive and horror) about keeper leagues, it's something I'm interested to be a part of. It does not, however, help that three of the league's sixteen owners are dead and only seven of us alive ones actually made it to the draft. It turns out that wide receivers are highly valued around these parts, with seven stud wideouts going in the first round alone, and as such, my own corps is less impressive than most.

Quarterbacks - Tom Brady was drafted a lot later than for the Saints, this time with pick #31 (in the second round, for those keeping score at home, and if you are, your loneliness saddens me. Of course, this is coming from someone with enough free time to catalogue the misfortunes of FIVE fantasy football teams, make of that what you will). I'm putting a lot of faith in him, and I hope fervently that his tendency to find and fuck ever-more beautiful women doesn't get in his way of throwing eighty touchdowns. I REALLY hope his at least stays healthy because if he goes down, I have to rely on Brodie Croyle and I think that prospect just gave me an ulcer. Be right back.

Running Backs - No matter how hard I prayed, the team with the first overall pick DID pick LaDainian Tomlinson and so I had to settle (hah) for Steven Jackson, with whom my only concern is that he faces some sturdy defenses (Baltimore, Green Bay, Pittsburgh, San Francisco and Seattle - I'm not kidding here. Green Bay have a pair of hundred-tackle linebackers, remember? The 49ers have the most expensive defensive back in the league, remember? Seattle keep scoring sacks despite all logic going against, reme-I'll stop that now). Still, he has Marc Bulger to fall back in terms of a threat, which is more than Jerious Norwood (or pick #98) can say. He may have gone from having a running back at quarterback to a quarterback at quarterback, but that quarterback is now Joey Harrington and the last I'd heard, fans were evacuating from Atlanta in droves to get away from the fact that he is now a starting quarterback again. If he sucks - which he probably will, thanks to facing eight men on every play - then I have Vernand Morency to rely on, even if "rely" is the wrong word.

Wide Receivers - ROOKIEFEST '07

It really is. Calvin Johnson was my third-round pick, and that might sound like a reach, but a whole bundle of receivers had already gone by pick #34 and I...well, panicked. Fingers well crossed that he kicks ass and takes names, and doesn't succumb the problems of rookie receivers. For that matter, I'm putting a lot in Robert Meachem to thrive with Drew Brees throwing him the ball and Marques Colston drawing double coverage all night long, and in Ted Ginn to...start? Starting sounds like the best I'll get from him at the moment, especially with Trent Green having pass protection not unlike that afforded by wet tissue. Isaac Bruce may well be my best option, such are the benefits of an All-Pro quarterback, running back and wide receivers on your offense; you tend to go unnoticed. Indeed, when God was questioned about Bruce, his response was "Who? Oh, him. I think he came from my rejects pile". And to round out the aqua teen wideout force, none other than Sidney Rice playing in the flex position. Feel the terror he brings, feel it deep in your bones.

Tight Ends - Daniel Graham has a lot of things going against him. For one, he plays in an offense famed for its run-blocking ability. For two, he has a young, relatively inexperienced quarterback. For three, he plays for Denver. For four, he plays for Denver. On the plus side, he has two first names, and he once played in New England. Not the most glowing of recommendations, but then he's a stopgap measure for me until Greg Olsen starts splitting wigs and busting caps in various asses. This is not entirely, but mostly, down to my colossal man-crush on Olsen.

Damn, it feels good to get that out into the open. Yes, people, Daniel Graham sucks and is ugly, and everyone must know.

Kickers - Shayne Graham (who I just traded in another league) and Jeff Reed. Both play in the AFC North and so both get the privilege of having their spines turned into an impromptu drum kit at some points by Ray Lewis and his band of Merry Murderers. Speaking of the world's best defense...

Defensive Units - Oh yeah. Four drafts and this is the first time I actually reached for them, I'm almost ashamed of myself. But seriously, Adalius Thomas is good and all, but he can now enjoy being the rock on which New England's defense is built on and the pressure that comes with it. Bmo'? They just slot someone else in and he'll be the next All-Pro. As the ancient proverb goes - "BMore. Why BLess?" I also picked up the Raiders' defense as well, even if I'll probably end up hucking them to someone else in an act of pity/stupidity/charity/dyslexia. The emphasis with the Units, however, is on stuff like total yards given up and special teams, because this league plays with Individual Defensive Players. Hence, if Nnamdi Asomugha - who could have the best name in the league, he's currently tied with Richie Incognito - makes a truckload of interceptions, I don't really benefit from it. If Terrell Suggs, on the other hand, decides he's had enough of these pussies and turns Brady Quinn's face into mush (which I don't think anyone's against), I DO get the points because...

Defensive Linemen - I picked him up as well. Apparently, he's the top point-scorer of all defensive linemen, which is always nice to know - it would mean more, however, if his 89 points weren't about a quarter of Steven Jackson's 387 points. But we soldier on regardless, and because this is a keeper and you have to make flutters on some people, I also picked up Mario Williams. I figure he's got to stop being mediocre some time, it might as well be this season.

Defensive Backs - Brian Dawkins is apparently one of the top three safeties in the league, although the author of this list DID place Troy Polumalu at #1. Take some of my iceberg-sized pinch of salt if you want. He's also been described as over-the-hill, but for pick #290 I'd draft Methuselah himself if he had an outside shot of helping me win (and the way the Chiefs' O-line looks at the moment, he's probably expecting a call). Alongside Dawkins, I also have Bob Sanders, a man I love like a brother - God knows my actual brother isn't even a fraction as badass as Bob - because he's my height and yet he has a Super Bowl ring. It's also well known that the Colts' defense stopped being useless when Bob came back because Bob would happily kill and eat their assorted children if he had to. Oh Bob, you so crazy, I like you and all but you so crazy.

Quite.

Linebackers - Adalius Thomas. Repping the Ravens connection (or connexshun as they say on "da streetz"). Also Nick Barnett, who gave me a scare because I didn't initially realise that he played MLB while A.J. Hawk was an outside LB - I was under the impression that Hawk might have leapfrogged Barnett on the depth chart, and so my immediate reaction was "Aw fuck what have I done?"

Dultrades part 6

Shayne Graham for David Akers, straight-up. The reason this doesn't qualify as a loltrade is because both men have the personality and charisma of a slice of wholewheat bread. More importantly, Psychobilly Freakout caved in like the bitch it is and coughed up that one extra star is needed and goddamn it felt good. Sadly, it was followed not long after by the progression to Hard, which was a shock to the system with the introduction of the pretty orange fret but especially Woman. Woman went from being a docile, tame piece of shit to God's own failure machine, thanks mostly to the horrible horrible descending triplets in the bridge. Completely uncoincidentally, I was watching "Rain King", a series 6 episode of the X-Files, and is was given a bundle of disturbing implications by the continued use of "making it rain". I laughed more than I should have, really, and that's probably because I haven't slept in thirty hours. Hey ho.

Loltrades Part 5

OK, I caved. The Indy Shredders player has some very disturbing fetish for Matt Leinart and really, really seemed to want the man - what was I to do BUT exploit this weakness? Originally, the guy proposed a trade to give me Chad Pennington (AGAIN. AGAIN. ROAR) and LaMont Jordan for Leinart and Reche Caldwell, something I rejected because it was cobblers (or more accurately, a bit shit. It wasn't bad, considering I have no backup running back, but eh. What you going to do?) On the advice of some people I have never and will never met, I elected to attempt a mildly-ridiculous coup of my own; Leinart for DeAngelo Williams and Pennington. It obviously got shut down, but to his credit, he didn't take the chance to decry me as a communist or a gay. More fool on the man, I say, but to each his own. Instead, he came back asking only for Sidney Rice to be added to the trade. Since Dwayne Bowe was sitting blissfully on the free agent market, losing Rice was hardly a crippling blow, and so the Shredders probably got robbed.

It was only after I'd accepted the trade that I realised what a mistake I'd made. I'd been thinking of Pennington in terms of being Tom Brady's bye-week backup, and could happily dump J.P. Losman for good (good riddance that is); too late did I actually look at their respective schedules and realise that now both of my quarterbacks are on byes in Week 10. I was not pleased - miffed is a more appropriate word. Note also that Caldwell and Andre Johnson are not playing that week either, and that only exacerbates the problem (also Shaun of the Dead is a teaching film. Tell your friends). I'm a very stupid man.

Loltrades Parts 3 and 4

I seem to be a lightning rod for Chad Pennington-involved trades, as to add to the previous Leinart-for-Chadly deal I was also bribed into leaving him in yesterday's keeper league draft with the enticement of a twentieth-round pick (or something equally as useless). The trader later welched on actually paying up, but considering I had no intention of actually picking Pennington at that spot it's no more than blue wet stuff off the back of a white and feathery water-borne animal.

Anyway. Trade number one would have seen Pennington and Santana Moss come my way in exchange for the Spanish Inquisition's starter, Jon Kitna. Somehow, Kitna has mutated into a viable fantasy option and I can only guess the world sneezed at exactly the right moment because, the last time I had a proper look, he was a flailing nancy sitting behind an offensive line with the stopping power of a spitball. Regardless, with a worryingly promising set of receivers and backs, there's less chance of him sucking this year than last year; it's not quite at the level where he has to try to fail (because God knows that comes far too easy in Detroit), but still. It certainly makes him look better than New York's noodle arm, and while I like Moss I don't like him enough to have a seizure and overpay for his questionable services.

Of less interest was the second trade put my way by "Dominatorz". Again involving Moss, this one called for me to give Anquan Boldin for Moss and Kansas City's Eddie Kennison - or, to put it another way, give up a #1 receiver for a #2 and a #3 (at best). Kennison is not only getting older but also has a new quarterback to get used to (and this is after switching between two last year) and is a run-oriented offense AND has a rookie wideout stealing his catches. So thems a lot of factors working against him, with only one potential positive - if Larry Johnson does hold out and Priest Holmes becomes the starting halfback, Kennison might get more balls thrown his way. Might that is, and it's a big might.

Bear is driving how can this be?

Seriously. Nine out of ten unlicensed taxis are driven by bears in human suits. Stay alive - stay informed. In other news, Psychobilly Freakout still remains unfivestarred but Beast and the Harlot now has a set of twinkling gold stars next to it. Yes, somehow I can 100% one of the top tier things but can't even get to second base with its uglier cousin. Bear is driving, dammit, bear is driving.