STANFORD (Reuters) - In a conclusion of a two-year study, Professor S.R. Explosion of the Stanford Department of Music Theory and his team yesterday announced they have conclusively produced a formula to determine precisely how "metal" a particular object is. The quality of metal-ness has been ill-defined previously, some notable figures going as far to say that to be metal requires already being metal, and it is hoped the formula - simply titled "Explosion's Law of Metal" - will bring some much-needed order to the genre. Professor Explosion, the brother of Nathan Explosion, lead singer of "melodic death metal" band Dethklok, said of the testing procedure "We took in as much data as it was possible for me and my team to assimilate, and we are confident that the Law of Metal will prove a mainstay for years to come."
A more in-depth analysis released later revealed the two extremes the teams set - the least metal piece was Britney Spears' "Hit Me Baby One More Time", while the most metal piece was, surprisingly, Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture; when asked why he picked the 1812 Overture, an unnamed team member said only that the Professor considered both it and the composer "absolutely ****ing metal". Upon hearing of this, lead guitarist of the "thrash metal" band Megadeth Dave Mustaine's reaction was favourable. None of it can be adequately printed thanks to the excess of profanities he used, but it was favourable nonetheless. Professor Explosion and his team are looking into research possibilities even now, with one source claiming they will attempt to locate the mythical source of all guitar power - Rush's Alex Lifeson has allegedly been contacted to act as a scout for the group.
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