Team #5 - I Am The Dumbest Man Alive

Picking at #6 in a twelve-team draft, I had my eye on a couple of obvious players. One was Rudi Johnson, whom I like because he's very, very consistent; another was Shaun Alexander, who I'd pick because he'd have fallen sufficiently from his projected #4 overall status. I guessed that if Alexander wasn't available, Johnson would be, so I'd be set. However, I hadn't reckoned with the owner of ZipZapZwee, who was autodrafting and had the third overall pick - namely, I hadn't reckoned with him being Brian Westbrook's prison bitch because the man picked him there. The response was a collective ":o", and I was pleased because the odds of Alexander falling to me had just shot up. Joseph Addai was pick #4 and Peyton Manning #5, and I was poised to choose Alexander when something hit me; Frank Gore's name was still on the board. In a thoroughly retarded panic, I started hammering at the "draft" button with the fury of an angry god and ignored all else.

The second round rolled on with less surprises; Reggie Bush and Maurice Jones-Drew were both picked, as were Chad Johnson and Torry Holt, and in keeping with my strategy of picking a pair of running backs, I selected Travis Henry, who I have to admit will perform even in Denver. I was rather chuffed come the later rounds, as a combination of stupid decisions had helped me rack up a formidable collection of skill players as well as the Denver defense; it was then that I made the mistake that will haunt me for as long as I play this cruel pseudo-sport. I looked at the bye weeks. Those of you who happen to know this information will have got the joke, but to clarify - Travis Henry and Frank Gore both have a bye Week 6.

I will be without my two star running backs come Week 6.

Oh my God I am so very, very stupid.

Team #4 - The London Knights

Like the Deity Destroyers, the Knights are in the first year of a keeper league, but unlike them, the Knights are going to get fucking destroyed this year. They're in a ten-team league for which I managed to miss the draft for, and so they're below the calibre of the others - for instance, the team we've got in the first week managed to finagle Frank Gore, Philip Rivers, Willis McGahee, Larry Fitzgerald, Reggie Brown, Jeremy Shockey, Adam Vinatieri and Adalius Thomas into their starting lineup. For contrast, these are the Knights:

Quarterbacks - The autodraft machine, in it's infinite wisdom, elected to supply me with three different quarterbacks who all share a bye week; Jay Cutler, Ben Roflsberger and J.P. Dropped. I hear that since Roflsberger - which will remain his name from here on out because it's easier to spell - is in a contract year and Santonio Holmes has had time to bed in in Pittsburgh, we should see his production increase to 2005 levels. If indeed this happens, I'll let Famine know to start playing the matchups between him and Cutler while I'm trampled by the other three horsemen. As it stands, Cutler is my best option, which pains me because he's only got one stud receiver and, of course, is a Bronco. J.P. Dropped is so very very dropped, I have a waiver claim pending for the aforementioned Santonio Holmes and if it goes through Dropped will be dropped.

Running Backs - Willie Parker was my first-round pick, which will violate my edict of not playing two or more players from the same team sooner or later, when I'm pushed into playing Roflsberger, but as far as backs go it could be plenty worse. Behind him, unfortunately, is Ronnie Brown - usually, you might not think of him as a "aw crap it's him" player, but take a serious look at the rest of the Dolphins' offense and get back to me. Chester Taylor was apparently drafted in 86% of the leagues, which is odd because I still don't know what his role in Minnesota is - he's my third back at the moment, with LaMont Jordan on official triple-secret probation until Oakland has more touchdowns than LaDainian Tomlinson at any point in the season. I'm not joking here, the moment LT outscores Oakland is the moment Jordan disappears from my starting lineup.

Wide Receivers - Shockingly decent. Torry Holt somehow dropped to me in the fourth round (pick #32 overall. For comparison, Javon Walker was drafted with pick #31 and Lee Evans with pick #33), and Laveranues Coles joined him in the sixth round, not a bad state of affairs assuming Chad Pennington (or Kellen Clemens) performs to the best of his (or her) ability. I originally had Chris Chambers, but he was kicked out faster than a toilet stop in rattlesnake country to make room for the undrafted Vincent Jackson, a trade I consider to be more than useful.

Tight Ends - I actually have a bit of a dilemma here. I have Kellen Winslow and Owen Daniels, the latter of whom went undrafted, and neither seems like a bonafide starter. Winslow has a huge amount of Fantasy points to his name - 249.29, more than everyone else except Ronnie Brown - but plays in Cleveland with an old back, a crap offensive line, a mediocre set of quarterbacks and only Braylon Edwards to take the heat off him. Daniels has a decent quarterback, a shit offensive line and a mediocre running back. I'll probably end up going with the matchups and crying when it doesn't work, but this is a really weird situation.

Kicker - Nate Kaeding in an interesting state of affairs that sees kickers like Matt Stover stay undrafted. I've half a mind to pick up Stover and play the matchups with him and Kaeding, because Stover is basically money within the 35-yard line and even the 40-yard line, depending on whether I'm in full "RAVENS MOTHERFUCKER DEFENSE GONNA EAT YOUR CHILDREN BITCH" mode or not when you ask me. Which I almost certainly will be, because you try leaving your children outside and see how quickly they get turned into the next post-game meal.

Defense - The league doesn't play team defenses, but at the same time only allows one defensive player to be played of three. Will Witherspoon is my linebacker, Charles Tillman my defensive back and some guy in New Orleans my defensive lineman, but Tillman is about to be dropped for Adrian Wilson. Yes, the same Adrian Wilson hailed as the best defensive player in the NFC East. Someone was dumb enough to drop him for D.J. Williams, I guess it DOES take all sorts.

Loltrades Part 2

I thought that the previous trade was stupid, but this one ticks more boxes. If you recall, I asked for wide receivers and/or running backs in exchange for Matt Leinart, and got a wholly unfavourable trade in return. This time, however, I was offered one player in a straight swap for him. If the player in question were, for instance, Torry Holt or Brian Westbrook, I'd be interested. But Chad Pennington? A man who is neither a rusher or a catcher? A man who is probably an inferior quarterback to the erstwhile Mr. Leinart? If these trades are indicative of the intelligence of my opponents, then this is going to be the easiest fucking league ever fuck yeah.