Loltrades Part 7

To start with, let me first say that while I detest using anything but Firefox, it's decided that working normally is for sissies and wants me to work for my internet privileges. I don't think it quite realised how willing Opera was to deputise though. Hey ho. I will admit that, in this case, the loltrade is not quite as lolworthy as previously, it seems my opponents are getting smarter. The trade was thus:

To the Swiss Army Soldiers - RB Marion Barber, K Neil Rackers
To Ham-n-Cheese - RB Travis Henry

On the face of it, that doesn't look so bad. Sure, Henry's on pace for a 2000+ rushing yard season, but that can hardly last and Barber gets all of the goal-line touches. He's one of the better fantasy point producers, as it happens, because of that, and the addition of Rackers is just a bonus, right? Wrong. Hideously wrong. Henry may not have a nice couple of games coming up - although Jacksonville no longer seems to be such a scary proposition against the rush - but I do not even come close to needing Rackers, and without him, it's Barber for Henry straight up. If I were missing a credible kicker, I'd be more receptive of this move, but Stephen Gostkowski is more than sufficient for my needs.

Even after I took all of this into consideration, I was still pondering the merit of the move. Then I looked to the side and saw a little sidebar giving details of the last three trades to involve Barber. One of them saw one ambitious owner prise away him, Anquan Boldin and Matt Leinart for Henry and Deion Branch. Compared to that, this looked like a pile of dog crap. In reply, I offered him something else; I think it was Fred Taylor and Greg Jennings for Barber, with a note that I'd consider trading any receiver up to and including the ex-Reggie Brown.

R.I.P. Reggie Brown, 2005-2007

In the wake of Reggie Brown's sad demise as a useful fantasy football player, tributes have come pouring in from all over the league. These are some of the most touching.

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Brian Westbrook: My earliest memory of Reggie was during his first game against Washington, when he sat in the middle of the field before the game started and refused to play because he wasn't getting enough throws. He was subbing for T.O, see, and he'd been ordered to act as greedy as possible. Hell, he even threatened to hold out when a vending machine only gave him one can of Mountain Dew instead of the eight "a superstar of his magnitude" deserved. He was so greedy, even T.O. himself was impressed. He was a man playing among boys, and I'll miss his steady eight or nine points every week.

Donovan McNabb: I'll never forget the day Reggie convinced me to grow my hair out. He said we'd both do it together, and if the media laughed at us, well, we'd get our own back by winning the Super Bowl. Then he turned up at practice with no hair at all, and everyone laughed at me, so I threw twelve interceptions in the next game just to show how dirty I was willing to play. I don't know why Reggie has suddenly become such a poor choice at wide receiver, but I'm certain that in some way, the white man is to blame.

Terrell Owens: He carried my bags in from the team bus once, I thought he was with the hotel. Man knew how to take a suitcase to the face.

Mark Richt: I coached Reggie when he was a Bulldog, and I can safely say I've never seen anyone quite so crazy. Once, he poured wheatgrass into a Florida player's helmet, and when the guy put his helmet on, Reggie kicked him in the crotch. It would have helped if he hadn't done it in a bowl game, but that was Reggie. Once he got an idea, he was going to have sex to with it and there was nothing anybody could do to stop him.

Michael Lee: Reggie was a big inspiration to me as a kid. I had him in a money league last year, and it came down to the wire between me and someone in Minneapolis for $500. I was down eight points with only Reggie left to play, and the Minneapolis guy was already talking trash about what he was going to do with the money, he was either going to use it to pay for his son's dialysis or his own impending liver transplant. So I'm just sitting there, biding my time, and boom! Reggie catches a touchdown, gets a hundred yards and I won by one point. So, naturally, I could only say "HOW'D YOU LIKE THAT DIALYSIS, BITCH?" to the guy in Minneapolis. A couple of weeks later, I found out he died because he couldn't pay for his new liver and his heart stopped worrying about it. True story.

There Is Something Deeply, Deeply Flawed In This World

Cincinnati scoring 38 points is not a shocker, nor is Carson Palmer throwing five touchdowns - against the porous Browns defence, anything less would have been the surprise. Thing is, there's only one way to explain Cleveland scoring 51 points in a single game, Jamal Lewis running for over two hundred yards in a single game and Derek Anderson also throwing five touchdown passes all occurring in the same game, but I can't see the Four Horsemen riding down my street so I'm fucking stumped. But that's not all going on in this world tonight - Houston beat Carolina 34-21, Tampa Bay won over New Orleans 31-14 and Green Bay smacked the shit out of the Giants 35-13. I may actually have to kill myself now, because I'm not sure I want to live in a world where Cleveland can score more than fifty points without getting a 30-point headstart.

Team #5 - I Am The Dumbest Man Alive

Picking at #6 in a twelve-team draft, I had my eye on a couple of obvious players. One was Rudi Johnson, whom I like because he's very, very consistent; another was Shaun Alexander, who I'd pick because he'd have fallen sufficiently from his projected #4 overall status. I guessed that if Alexander wasn't available, Johnson would be, so I'd be set. However, I hadn't reckoned with the owner of ZipZapZwee, who was autodrafting and had the third overall pick - namely, I hadn't reckoned with him being Brian Westbrook's prison bitch because the man picked him there. The response was a collective ":o", and I was pleased because the odds of Alexander falling to me had just shot up. Joseph Addai was pick #4 and Peyton Manning #5, and I was poised to choose Alexander when something hit me; Frank Gore's name was still on the board. In a thoroughly retarded panic, I started hammering at the "draft" button with the fury of an angry god and ignored all else.

The second round rolled on with less surprises; Reggie Bush and Maurice Jones-Drew were both picked, as were Chad Johnson and Torry Holt, and in keeping with my strategy of picking a pair of running backs, I selected Travis Henry, who I have to admit will perform even in Denver. I was rather chuffed come the later rounds, as a combination of stupid decisions had helped me rack up a formidable collection of skill players as well as the Denver defense; it was then that I made the mistake that will haunt me for as long as I play this cruel pseudo-sport. I looked at the bye weeks. Those of you who happen to know this information will have got the joke, but to clarify - Travis Henry and Frank Gore both have a bye Week 6.

I will be without my two star running backs come Week 6.

Oh my God I am so very, very stupid.