Team #6 - I Am The Second Dumbest Man Alive (Team E.B.E.)

God seems to like me. Apparently, He was not pleased by my declaration that I was the stupidest person on His Earth, and so He confounded someone enough to give them that title. The Swiss Army Soldiers will be without Frank Gore and Travis Henry come week 6; the owner of GryphonRiders, who will incidentally be facing my team week 6, will be missing Gore, Javon Walker, Peyton Manning, Reggie Wayne and Roy Williams. Consider also that we start two wide receivers, one quarterback, two running backs and a wide receiver/running back flex option - at the moment, GryphonRiders is starting every one of those players. I will be without my two running backs, he will be without his top three receivers, his stud quarterback and his stud running back.

I will happily give up my title, he's clearly the dumbest man alive.

Quarterbacks - Although I am still in the running. I'd stacked up a couple of quarterbacks on the queue list so I'd be ready for my pick when I was called down to empty the dishwasher. I was as fast and as slapdash as I could be - I even broke a glass - but when I got back up here, the horrible truth was clear. I'd been given Marc Bulger in the fourth round, which I have no problems with, but then been slapped with Philip Rivers in the fifth. When I say I cursed up a storm, I mean a storm like no other, a storm on par with Katrina, something to make sailors weep into their pillows. It may have been an overreaction, but goddamn I was pissed. On later reflection, it wasn't as bad as I'd originally assumed; sure, it was a wasted pick, but it means I get to play the matchups with two legitimate starters. And that's not blind optimism or desperate reassurance talking, trust me.

Running Backs - With the fourth pick, I was guaranteed one of the bitching backs, but I hadn't counted on the player behind "Iron Men" having a mild stroke and thinking Rudi Johnson was too good to overlook at the third pick. Hence, I got my choice of Joe Addai and Frank Gore - I toyed with throwing everyone another curveball and choosing Shaun Alexander, but common sense won out in the end and I picked Addai. To go with him is Maurice Jones-Drew to put together an effective pairing with different bye weeks, which was of course the only thing I was interested in. I only have the one depth back, Brandon Jackson, because my later picks went towards receivers rather than backs; if push comes to shove I can probably prise a back away from somewhere else or get someone off waivers to deputise. By virtue of this being an eight-team league, guys like LaMont Jordan and Chester Taylor were never drafted, so there's some potential out there.

Wide Receivers - I think I've hit the jackpot here. Donald Driver and Chad Johnson are my most likely starters, and I'll also be playing Andre Johnson in the flex position, but behind them there's also Mark Clayton, who I'll play if he shows signs of breaking out, and Deion Branch, who will probably be nothing more than an emergency option. Still, there are innumerable options here; for instance, Clayton is going up against a Cincinnati defense that was, not to put too fine a point on it, shit last year whereas Driver is apparently playing through an injury. Everybody loves interchangability.

Tight Ends - I've joined everyone in the California area in praying that Alex Smith and Vernon Davis develop the best chemistry in the league because I went with Davis ahead of guys like Tony Gonzalez and Alge Crumpler, both formerly top tight ends before real life intervened to cripple their fantasy value (although in Crumpler's case, he's not so useless that I didn't draft him myself; those passes from Harrington have to go somewhere, and it sure as hell won't be Joe Horn). I might not need two tight ends, but if it turns out Harrington isn't completely useless I win.

Kicker - The leitmotif for this team has been to avoid picking players I've already drafted elsewhere; it's fallen short once or twice, with Rivers and Addai, but on the whole I'm not displeased with that. To that end, I picked Olindo Mare to kick for me, which is actually a bit of a stretch here - eight teams means only about ten kickers were picked, and the question is whether or not Mare is a top-ten kicker. I say he is mostly because of the quality of his offensive surroundings, but evidently others disagreed.

Defensive Unit - In a similar vein to above, I drafted Pittsburgh's defense, although this time all of my others had gone before. I'd narrowed the choices down to Pittsburgh, Seattle and Jacksonville, and only went with the Steelers because they have the weakest division when it comes to offense. With my last pick, however, I did also take Oakland's defense as well because I like the Raiders, dammit.

Team #5 Part Two - The Swiss Army Soldiers

Quarterbacks - One of the reasons the Gore/Henry mistake is so tragic is that I might have the best team in the entire league if things go right. Case in point, I took Philip Rivers in round 4, confident he can be a bonafide starter, and backed him up with Steve McNair later on; it's not a duo that springs out at you, but it's possibly the second-top one out of the twelve teams playing, only rivalled by a Vince Young/Donovan McNabb pairing. I've been told since that Rivers in 4 was a reach, but it's a reach prompted by Tony Romo being drafted at the end of the third round. I might have been able to get him in round 5, but my fifth round pick was T.J. Houshmandzadeh so I'm not complaining at all.

Running Backs - Urgh. Those two, plus the hastily-drafted Brandon Jackson and Greg Jones. Next.

Wide Receivers - OK, this I love. I think I may have one of, if not the best receiving corps in this league. Reggie Wayne and Hooch are going to start for me every week, while Reggie Brown, Brandon Jones and Greg Jennings will be played according to matchups each week. I know a lot of people are enthusing about James Jones for the Packers, who I like mostly because he shares his name with my cousin, but I think starting him would be a mistake for Brett Favre and his band of retirement-home-dodgers. He should really play a slot role like Anthony Gonzalez will in Indy, but what do I know? And why I am asking questions? Nobody's here to answer them.

Tight Ends - TODD HEAP TODD HEAP TODD HEAP. I was told I reached for Toddley when I took him in round 6, but the person who told me that drafted Tony Gonzalez one pick before so what does he know?

Kickers - Stephen Gostkowski was my pick, and I'm surprised he lasted so long. Considering he'll get all manner of extra-points to kick and more than a bucketful of field goals as well, you'd think he'd have been taken earlier. But as always, the stupid are there to be exploited (which was adopted as my family motto in 1812).

Defense - The Broncos' unit got a boost when Simeon Rice signed for them, proving once again that Tampa Bay are retarded in all manner of ways. When a pass rusher can still play, what kind of moronic retard would rel-oh wait, they're owned by the Glazers. Now I can expand my hatred of United to "all Glazer-related products". Good times.

Team #5 - I Am The Dumbest Man Alive

Picking at #6 in a twelve-team draft, I had my eye on a couple of obvious players. One was Rudi Johnson, whom I like because he's very, very consistent; another was Shaun Alexander, who I'd pick because he'd have fallen sufficiently from his projected #4 overall status. I guessed that if Alexander wasn't available, Johnson would be, so I'd be set. However, I hadn't reckoned with the owner of ZipZapZwee, who was autodrafting and had the third overall pick - namely, I hadn't reckoned with him being Brian Westbrook's prison bitch because the man picked him there. The response was a collective ":o", and I was pleased because the odds of Alexander falling to me had just shot up. Joseph Addai was pick #4 and Peyton Manning #5, and I was poised to choose Alexander when something hit me; Frank Gore's name was still on the board. In a thoroughly retarded panic, I started hammering at the "draft" button with the fury of an angry god and ignored all else.

The second round rolled on with less surprises; Reggie Bush and Maurice Jones-Drew were both picked, as were Chad Johnson and Torry Holt, and in keeping with my strategy of picking a pair of running backs, I selected Travis Henry, who I have to admit will perform even in Denver. I was rather chuffed come the later rounds, as a combination of stupid decisions had helped me rack up a formidable collection of skill players as well as the Denver defense; it was then that I made the mistake that will haunt me for as long as I play this cruel pseudo-sport. I looked at the bye weeks. Those of you who happen to know this information will have got the joke, but to clarify - Travis Henry and Frank Gore both have a bye Week 6.

I will be without my two star running backs come Week 6.

Oh my God I am so very, very stupid.

Team #3 - The Christ Punchers

The Punchers are different to either the Inquisition or the Saints simply because the Punchers are being drafted in the first year of a keeper league, and from the stories (both impressive and horror) about keeper leagues, it's something I'm interested to be a part of. It does not, however, help that three of the league's sixteen owners are dead and only seven of us alive ones actually made it to the draft. It turns out that wide receivers are highly valued around these parts, with seven stud wideouts going in the first round alone, and as such, my own corps is less impressive than most.

Quarterbacks - Tom Brady was drafted a lot later than for the Saints, this time with pick #31 (in the second round, for those keeping score at home, and if you are, your loneliness saddens me. Of course, this is coming from someone with enough free time to catalogue the misfortunes of FIVE fantasy football teams, make of that what you will). I'm putting a lot of faith in him, and I hope fervently that his tendency to find and fuck ever-more beautiful women doesn't get in his way of throwing eighty touchdowns. I REALLY hope his at least stays healthy because if he goes down, I have to rely on Brodie Croyle and I think that prospect just gave me an ulcer. Be right back.

Running Backs - No matter how hard I prayed, the team with the first overall pick DID pick LaDainian Tomlinson and so I had to settle (hah) for Steven Jackson, with whom my only concern is that he faces some sturdy defenses (Baltimore, Green Bay, Pittsburgh, San Francisco and Seattle - I'm not kidding here. Green Bay have a pair of hundred-tackle linebackers, remember? The 49ers have the most expensive defensive back in the league, remember? Seattle keep scoring sacks despite all logic going against, reme-I'll stop that now). Still, he has Marc Bulger to fall back in terms of a threat, which is more than Jerious Norwood (or pick #98) can say. He may have gone from having a running back at quarterback to a quarterback at quarterback, but that quarterback is now Joey Harrington and the last I'd heard, fans were evacuating from Atlanta in droves to get away from the fact that he is now a starting quarterback again. If he sucks - which he probably will, thanks to facing eight men on every play - then I have Vernand Morency to rely on, even if "rely" is the wrong word.

Wide Receivers - ROOKIEFEST '07

It really is. Calvin Johnson was my third-round pick, and that might sound like a reach, but a whole bundle of receivers had already gone by pick #34 and I...well, panicked. Fingers well crossed that he kicks ass and takes names, and doesn't succumb the problems of rookie receivers. For that matter, I'm putting a lot in Robert Meachem to thrive with Drew Brees throwing him the ball and Marques Colston drawing double coverage all night long, and in Ted Ginn to...start? Starting sounds like the best I'll get from him at the moment, especially with Trent Green having pass protection not unlike that afforded by wet tissue. Isaac Bruce may well be my best option, such are the benefits of an All-Pro quarterback, running back and wide receivers on your offense; you tend to go unnoticed. Indeed, when God was questioned about Bruce, his response was "Who? Oh, him. I think he came from my rejects pile". And to round out the aqua teen wideout force, none other than Sidney Rice playing in the flex position. Feel the terror he brings, feel it deep in your bones.

Tight Ends - Daniel Graham has a lot of things going against him. For one, he plays in an offense famed for its run-blocking ability. For two, he has a young, relatively inexperienced quarterback. For three, he plays for Denver. For four, he plays for Denver. On the plus side, he has two first names, and he once played in New England. Not the most glowing of recommendations, but then he's a stopgap measure for me until Greg Olsen starts splitting wigs and busting caps in various asses. This is not entirely, but mostly, down to my colossal man-crush on Olsen.

Damn, it feels good to get that out into the open. Yes, people, Daniel Graham sucks and is ugly, and everyone must know.

Kickers - Shayne Graham (who I just traded in another league) and Jeff Reed. Both play in the AFC North and so both get the privilege of having their spines turned into an impromptu drum kit at some points by Ray Lewis and his band of Merry Murderers. Speaking of the world's best defense...

Defensive Units - Oh yeah. Four drafts and this is the first time I actually reached for them, I'm almost ashamed of myself. But seriously, Adalius Thomas is good and all, but he can now enjoy being the rock on which New England's defense is built on and the pressure that comes with it. Bmo'? They just slot someone else in and he'll be the next All-Pro. As the ancient proverb goes - "BMore. Why BLess?" I also picked up the Raiders' defense as well, even if I'll probably end up hucking them to someone else in an act of pity/stupidity/charity/dyslexia. The emphasis with the Units, however, is on stuff like total yards given up and special teams, because this league plays with Individual Defensive Players. Hence, if Nnamdi Asomugha - who could have the best name in the league, he's currently tied with Richie Incognito - makes a truckload of interceptions, I don't really benefit from it. If Terrell Suggs, on the other hand, decides he's had enough of these pussies and turns Brady Quinn's face into mush (which I don't think anyone's against), I DO get the points because...

Defensive Linemen - I picked him up as well. Apparently, he's the top point-scorer of all defensive linemen, which is always nice to know - it would mean more, however, if his 89 points weren't about a quarter of Steven Jackson's 387 points. But we soldier on regardless, and because this is a keeper and you have to make flutters on some people, I also picked up Mario Williams. I figure he's got to stop being mediocre some time, it might as well be this season.

Defensive Backs - Brian Dawkins is apparently one of the top three safeties in the league, although the author of this list DID place Troy Polumalu at #1. Take some of my iceberg-sized pinch of salt if you want. He's also been described as over-the-hill, but for pick #290 I'd draft Methuselah himself if he had an outside shot of helping me win (and the way the Chiefs' O-line looks at the moment, he's probably expecting a call). Alongside Dawkins, I also have Bob Sanders, a man I love like a brother - God knows my actual brother isn't even a fraction as badass as Bob - because he's my height and yet he has a Super Bowl ring. It's also well known that the Colts' defense stopped being useless when Bob came back because Bob would happily kill and eat their assorted children if he had to. Oh Bob, you so crazy, I like you and all but you so crazy.

Quite.

Linebackers - Adalius Thomas. Repping the Ravens connection (or connexshun as they say on "da streetz"). Also Nick Barnett, who gave me a scare because I didn't initially realise that he played MLB while A.J. Hawk was an outside LB - I was under the impression that Hawk might have leapfrogged Barnett on the depth chart, and so my immediate reaction was "Aw fuck what have I done?"