Team #3 - The Christ Punchers

The Punchers are different to either the Inquisition or the Saints simply because the Punchers are being drafted in the first year of a keeper league, and from the stories (both impressive and horror) about keeper leagues, it's something I'm interested to be a part of. It does not, however, help that three of the league's sixteen owners are dead and only seven of us alive ones actually made it to the draft. It turns out that wide receivers are highly valued around these parts, with seven stud wideouts going in the first round alone, and as such, my own corps is less impressive than most.

Quarterbacks - Tom Brady was drafted a lot later than for the Saints, this time with pick #31 (in the second round, for those keeping score at home, and if you are, your loneliness saddens me. Of course, this is coming from someone with enough free time to catalogue the misfortunes of FIVE fantasy football teams, make of that what you will). I'm putting a lot of faith in him, and I hope fervently that his tendency to find and fuck ever-more beautiful women doesn't get in his way of throwing eighty touchdowns. I REALLY hope his at least stays healthy because if he goes down, I have to rely on Brodie Croyle and I think that prospect just gave me an ulcer. Be right back.

Running Backs - No matter how hard I prayed, the team with the first overall pick DID pick LaDainian Tomlinson and so I had to settle (hah) for Steven Jackson, with whom my only concern is that he faces some sturdy defenses (Baltimore, Green Bay, Pittsburgh, San Francisco and Seattle - I'm not kidding here. Green Bay have a pair of hundred-tackle linebackers, remember? The 49ers have the most expensive defensive back in the league, remember? Seattle keep scoring sacks despite all logic going against, reme-I'll stop that now). Still, he has Marc Bulger to fall back in terms of a threat, which is more than Jerious Norwood (or pick #98) can say. He may have gone from having a running back at quarterback to a quarterback at quarterback, but that quarterback is now Joey Harrington and the last I'd heard, fans were evacuating from Atlanta in droves to get away from the fact that he is now a starting quarterback again. If he sucks - which he probably will, thanks to facing eight men on every play - then I have Vernand Morency to rely on, even if "rely" is the wrong word.

Wide Receivers - ROOKIEFEST '07

It really is. Calvin Johnson was my third-round pick, and that might sound like a reach, but a whole bundle of receivers had already gone by pick #34 and I...well, panicked. Fingers well crossed that he kicks ass and takes names, and doesn't succumb the problems of rookie receivers. For that matter, I'm putting a lot in Robert Meachem to thrive with Drew Brees throwing him the ball and Marques Colston drawing double coverage all night long, and in Ted Ginn to...start? Starting sounds like the best I'll get from him at the moment, especially with Trent Green having pass protection not unlike that afforded by wet tissue. Isaac Bruce may well be my best option, such are the benefits of an All-Pro quarterback, running back and wide receivers on your offense; you tend to go unnoticed. Indeed, when God was questioned about Bruce, his response was "Who? Oh, him. I think he came from my rejects pile". And to round out the aqua teen wideout force, none other than Sidney Rice playing in the flex position. Feel the terror he brings, feel it deep in your bones.

Tight Ends - Daniel Graham has a lot of things going against him. For one, he plays in an offense famed for its run-blocking ability. For two, he has a young, relatively inexperienced quarterback. For three, he plays for Denver. For four, he plays for Denver. On the plus side, he has two first names, and he once played in New England. Not the most glowing of recommendations, but then he's a stopgap measure for me until Greg Olsen starts splitting wigs and busting caps in various asses. This is not entirely, but mostly, down to my colossal man-crush on Olsen.

Damn, it feels good to get that out into the open. Yes, people, Daniel Graham sucks and is ugly, and everyone must know.

Kickers - Shayne Graham (who I just traded in another league) and Jeff Reed. Both play in the AFC North and so both get the privilege of having their spines turned into an impromptu drum kit at some points by Ray Lewis and his band of Merry Murderers. Speaking of the world's best defense...

Defensive Units - Oh yeah. Four drafts and this is the first time I actually reached for them, I'm almost ashamed of myself. But seriously, Adalius Thomas is good and all, but he can now enjoy being the rock on which New England's defense is built on and the pressure that comes with it. Bmo'? They just slot someone else in and he'll be the next All-Pro. As the ancient proverb goes - "BMore. Why BLess?" I also picked up the Raiders' defense as well, even if I'll probably end up hucking them to someone else in an act of pity/stupidity/charity/dyslexia. The emphasis with the Units, however, is on stuff like total yards given up and special teams, because this league plays with Individual Defensive Players. Hence, if Nnamdi Asomugha - who could have the best name in the league, he's currently tied with Richie Incognito - makes a truckload of interceptions, I don't really benefit from it. If Terrell Suggs, on the other hand, decides he's had enough of these pussies and turns Brady Quinn's face into mush (which I don't think anyone's against), I DO get the points because...

Defensive Linemen - I picked him up as well. Apparently, he's the top point-scorer of all defensive linemen, which is always nice to know - it would mean more, however, if his 89 points weren't about a quarter of Steven Jackson's 387 points. But we soldier on regardless, and because this is a keeper and you have to make flutters on some people, I also picked up Mario Williams. I figure he's got to stop being mediocre some time, it might as well be this season.

Defensive Backs - Brian Dawkins is apparently one of the top three safeties in the league, although the author of this list DID place Troy Polumalu at #1. Take some of my iceberg-sized pinch of salt if you want. He's also been described as over-the-hill, but for pick #290 I'd draft Methuselah himself if he had an outside shot of helping me win (and the way the Chiefs' O-line looks at the moment, he's probably expecting a call). Alongside Dawkins, I also have Bob Sanders, a man I love like a brother - God knows my actual brother isn't even a fraction as badass as Bob - because he's my height and yet he has a Super Bowl ring. It's also well known that the Colts' defense stopped being useless when Bob came back because Bob would happily kill and eat their assorted children if he had to. Oh Bob, you so crazy, I like you and all but you so crazy.

Quite.

Linebackers - Adalius Thomas. Repping the Ravens connection (or connexshun as they say on "da streetz"). Also Nick Barnett, who gave me a scare because I didn't initially realise that he played MLB while A.J. Hawk was an outside LB - I was under the impression that Hawk might have leapfrogged Barnett on the depth chart, and so my immediate reaction was "Aw fuck what have I done?"