Week 1’s So What?

That title does sound more like something Sports Illustrated would come up with, but it seems about right. This is just going to be a post wrapping up the previous week, with an obvious bias towards the players and teams who won or lost me games.

1) Turns out Drew Brees getting his pass batted down into his own hands isn’t unheard of. If Peter King is to be believed, the first completion Brett Favre threw was to himself, catching a pass batted down by a member of the Buccaneers’ defence. Sure, it resulted in a seven-yard loss, but you can’t have everything.

2) My God, Notre Dame is fucking pathetic. Two losses is bad enough, but having a total run yardage of minus eight for the season – MINUS EIGHT FOR THE SEASON, in case I didn’t emphasise that enough – is just shit. Whoever’s in charge should just end themselves right now. They’re not going to get any love against Michigan either, because the Wolverines are going to be PISSED; however, if Michigan are as bad as the Pac-10 and the entirety of Division 1-AA now believes them to be, maybe it’s them who enters the season 0-3. I personally don’t care which, because either way, a team I despise is going 0-3.

3) Number of touchdowns scored by Mario Williams – 1. Number of touchdowns scored by Reggie Bush – 0. That’s the stat “du jour” being trumpeted by everyone not named Reggie Bush, and it’s fucking retarded. I’m glad Williams had a good game, because he’s gotten too much flak for something that’s really not his fault; he might not have produced like a #1 pick should have in Houston, but remember that a) he was a rookie, b) the Texans’ defence was awful and c) Houston picked him because they mistakenly thought Domanick Davis/Williams was their answer at running back. However, the people harping on here about Bush not scoring are ignoring the fact that the Colts’ defence came out incredibly well and Sean Payton made some stupid decisions calling plays; he only had twelve attempts. Even if you add in Deuce McAllister’s carries, the Saints ran the ball just 22 times, and against a defence that was formerly so horrible against the run AND with a superstar back in the making, why the fuck wouldn’t you run more?

4) Sadly, the AFC North now looks like it could go either way. Aside from the abso-fucking-lutely bullshit offensive pass interference call on Todd Heap that denied him a touchdown – see, this is the folly of the challenge system. Because Brian Billick had already used the three timeouts, he couldn’t make a challenge on a play that, when the replays were shown on TV, was so obviously DEFENSIVE pass interference it made me cry – Baltimore didn’t look as nasty defensively as we have before, and the Bengals looked a bit mediocre on offence themselves. We may have bottled up Rudi Johnson and Carson Palmer (yardage-wise, at least), but the fumbles were just a colossal joke. Three in the first quarter means someone should get fired, because we were never going to come back from that.

5) Steven Jackson may want to explain how he managed to equal the amount of fumbles he lost last year in a single game. The Panthers’ defence has been known to be useful on occasion, but they’re not 58-yard-good and so some of the blame has to go on Jackson. It can’t have been a case of “nine in the box” because the Rams’ passing attack would have eaten them alive, so what’s the problem?

6) I despaired when I heard Josh McCown was going to be starting for Oakland and not Daunte Culpepper, who, by all accounts, had a better preseason, and I’m not quite sure why I started Ronald Curry over Sidney Rice or Dwayne Bowe. Regardless, the decision was sound – even with Andre Johnson’s big game against Kansas City, Anquan Boldin and Larry Fitzgerald flubbing in their games made Curry the best receiver on the Saints, with 19 points. I’m hoping that the Cardinals’ performances were just aberrations because I’ve got a significant amount invested in them.

7) I said elsewhere that my pick for Rookie of the Year would be Ben Grubbs if players in the trenches had a fighting chances, but since they rarely do, my pick went to Patrick Willis of the 49ers; while his first week performance could just be a flash in the pan, nine solo tackles, two assists and a forced fumble is a good stat-line by anyone’s standards (unless you were a Bengal on Monday).

8) Ignoring the other storylines going on in New York, what’s with everyone overvaluing Derrick Ward? OK, the guy’s going to start for the Giants, that’s fair enough, but Warrick Dunn starts for the Falcons and people aren’t beating one another with shitty sticks to have the honour of having him on their team. He had a good performance against the Cowboys, but the Dallas defence in general was proven to be more hype than anything, so why did one stupid owner think it a good idea to drop Fred Taylor for him? Sure, Taylor’s sharing carries with Maurice Jones-Drew, but Ward goes up against Green Bay and Philadelphia in the next three weeks, both sturdy defences. I’d be happy to bet that A.J. Hawk and Nick Barnett will make him miserable. The players in that particular league seem very happy to jump onto anyone with good performances – aside from Ward, one team dropped L.J. Smith for THE CLEATED CRUSHER and another dumped Chad Pennington for Brady Quinn. Even the Sex Cannon himself wasn’t safe, being dumped for Jake Delhomme.

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Second Letter Saints 129 – 118 azbound – Thanks to a clutch of brilliant performances, the Saints’ 129 points puts me top of the overall standings. Of all nine players, only two failed to reach the ten-point mark – Fitzgerald and Randy McMichael – but they were compensated for by Tom Brady’s 29 points and the San Diego Chargers scoring 23. Not only was Curry the best receiver on the team, but he was also the third-best point producer.

Swiss Army Soldiers 87 – 92 Zoolanders – The crowning turd in the waterpipe of the Ravens/Bengals game was that, if Steve Freeman hadn’t decided that sensible officiating was so last season, Todd Heap’s touchdown would have given me the win here by a single point. Admittedly, McNair’s horrible performance had more than something to do with it, as he had zero points thanks to the interception and the three fumbles – believe it or not, but I’d have been better off playing Philip Rivers against the Bears – and Reggie Brown’s inexplicable disappearance from the Packers game did nothing to help me either.

Spanish Inquisition 95 – 74 EXCALIBUR – Reggie Brown struck again, but I had a comfortable lead before Monday night thanks to Eli Manning and the Giants torching the Cowboys’ defence; even though the Inquisitors had both the 26-point Jon Kitna and Ronald Curry on the bench, Matt Schaub actually had a damn good game in his first as a Texan, always pleasing to see. I will confess to not quite knowing where the 95 figure came from until I added everything up by hand, though.

Team E.B.E 96 – 93 itsSEXtastic – While neither team reached their projected totals and there were disappointments across the board, I have Joseph Addai and Andre Johnson principally to thank for this win. The Steelers’ defence made up for Vernon Davis not getting a single point, while Johnsons both Andre and Chad provided the points Maurice Jones-Drew failed to. All in all, there’s not much complain about here.

Christ Punchers 134.7 – 114.54 bonecrushaz – The oblique scores are courtesy of Fleaflicker’s style of scoring; in their case, a running back with 58 yards would receive 5.8 points, whereas in most other places, he’d get 5 for it. Despite some horrible Fantasy performances from some players – Terrell Suggs didn’t score and Adalius Thomas had one point for one tackle, while Robert Meachem didn’t play period against the Colts – and a fantastic performance from the benched Mario Williams, whose 15 points gave him the same amount as Suggs, Thomas, Brian Dawkins and Nick Barnett put together, I rode Tom Brady and the Baltimore defense to this victory. Brady had 34.5 points, the Ravens 35 thanks to Ed Reed’s punt return touchdown and blocking the first extra point and Calvin Johnson 17 in a great debut game for him.

Loltrades Part 5

OK, I caved. The Indy Shredders player has some very disturbing fetish for Matt Leinart and really, really seemed to want the man - what was I to do BUT exploit this weakness? Originally, the guy proposed a trade to give me Chad Pennington (AGAIN. AGAIN. ROAR) and LaMont Jordan for Leinart and Reche Caldwell, something I rejected because it was cobblers (or more accurately, a bit shit. It wasn't bad, considering I have no backup running back, but eh. What you going to do?) On the advice of some people I have never and will never met, I elected to attempt a mildly-ridiculous coup of my own; Leinart for DeAngelo Williams and Pennington. It obviously got shut down, but to his credit, he didn't take the chance to decry me as a communist or a gay. More fool on the man, I say, but to each his own. Instead, he came back asking only for Sidney Rice to be added to the trade. Since Dwayne Bowe was sitting blissfully on the free agent market, losing Rice was hardly a crippling blow, and so the Shredders probably got robbed.

It was only after I'd accepted the trade that I realised what a mistake I'd made. I'd been thinking of Pennington in terms of being Tom Brady's bye-week backup, and could happily dump J.P. Losman for good (good riddance that is); too late did I actually look at their respective schedules and realise that now both of my quarterbacks are on byes in Week 10. I was not pleased - miffed is a more appropriate word. Note also that Caldwell and Andre Johnson are not playing that week either, and that only exacerbates the problem (also Shaun of the Dead is a teaching film. Tell your friends). I'm a very stupid man.

Loltrades Parts 3 and 4

I seem to be a lightning rod for Chad Pennington-involved trades, as to add to the previous Leinart-for-Chadly deal I was also bribed into leaving him in yesterday's keeper league draft with the enticement of a twentieth-round pick (or something equally as useless). The trader later welched on actually paying up, but considering I had no intention of actually picking Pennington at that spot it's no more than blue wet stuff off the back of a white and feathery water-borne animal.

Anyway. Trade number one would have seen Pennington and Santana Moss come my way in exchange for the Spanish Inquisition's starter, Jon Kitna. Somehow, Kitna has mutated into a viable fantasy option and I can only guess the world sneezed at exactly the right moment because, the last time I had a proper look, he was a flailing nancy sitting behind an offensive line with the stopping power of a spitball. Regardless, with a worryingly promising set of receivers and backs, there's less chance of him sucking this year than last year; it's not quite at the level where he has to try to fail (because God knows that comes far too easy in Detroit), but still. It certainly makes him look better than New York's noodle arm, and while I like Moss I don't like him enough to have a seizure and overpay for his questionable services.

Of less interest was the second trade put my way by "Dominatorz". Again involving Moss, this one called for me to give Anquan Boldin for Moss and Kansas City's Eddie Kennison - or, to put it another way, give up a #1 receiver for a #2 and a #3 (at best). Kennison is not only getting older but also has a new quarterback to get used to (and this is after switching between two last year) and is a run-oriented offense AND has a rookie wideout stealing his catches. So thems a lot of factors working against him, with only one potential positive - if Larry Johnson does hold out and Priest Holmes becomes the starting halfback, Kennison might get more balls thrown his way. Might that is, and it's a big might.

Loltrades Part 2

I thought that the previous trade was stupid, but this one ticks more boxes. If you recall, I asked for wide receivers and/or running backs in exchange for Matt Leinart, and got a wholly unfavourable trade in return. This time, however, I was offered one player in a straight swap for him. If the player in question were, for instance, Torry Holt or Brian Westbrook, I'd be interested. But Chad Pennington? A man who is neither a rusher or a catcher? A man who is probably an inferior quarterback to the erstwhile Mr. Leinart? If these trades are indicative of the intelligence of my opponents, then this is going to be the easiest fucking league ever fuck yeah.