Loltrades Part 7

To start with, let me first say that while I detest using anything but Firefox, it's decided that working normally is for sissies and wants me to work for my internet privileges. I don't think it quite realised how willing Opera was to deputise though. Hey ho. I will admit that, in this case, the loltrade is not quite as lolworthy as previously, it seems my opponents are getting smarter. The trade was thus:

To the Swiss Army Soldiers - RB Marion Barber, K Neil Rackers
To Ham-n-Cheese - RB Travis Henry

On the face of it, that doesn't look so bad. Sure, Henry's on pace for a 2000+ rushing yard season, but that can hardly last and Barber gets all of the goal-line touches. He's one of the better fantasy point producers, as it happens, because of that, and the addition of Rackers is just a bonus, right? Wrong. Hideously wrong. Henry may not have a nice couple of games coming up - although Jacksonville no longer seems to be such a scary proposition against the rush - but I do not even come close to needing Rackers, and without him, it's Barber for Henry straight up. If I were missing a credible kicker, I'd be more receptive of this move, but Stephen Gostkowski is more than sufficient for my needs.

Even after I took all of this into consideration, I was still pondering the merit of the move. Then I looked to the side and saw a little sidebar giving details of the last three trades to involve Barber. One of them saw one ambitious owner prise away him, Anquan Boldin and Matt Leinart for Henry and Deion Branch. Compared to that, this looked like a pile of dog crap. In reply, I offered him something else; I think it was Fred Taylor and Greg Jennings for Barber, with a note that I'd consider trading any receiver up to and including the ex-Reggie Brown.

R.I.P. Reggie Brown, 2005-2007

In the wake of Reggie Brown's sad demise as a useful fantasy football player, tributes have come pouring in from all over the league. These are some of the most touching.

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Brian Westbrook: My earliest memory of Reggie was during his first game against Washington, when he sat in the middle of the field before the game started and refused to play because he wasn't getting enough throws. He was subbing for T.O, see, and he'd been ordered to act as greedy as possible. Hell, he even threatened to hold out when a vending machine only gave him one can of Mountain Dew instead of the eight "a superstar of his magnitude" deserved. He was so greedy, even T.O. himself was impressed. He was a man playing among boys, and I'll miss his steady eight or nine points every week.

Donovan McNabb: I'll never forget the day Reggie convinced me to grow my hair out. He said we'd both do it together, and if the media laughed at us, well, we'd get our own back by winning the Super Bowl. Then he turned up at practice with no hair at all, and everyone laughed at me, so I threw twelve interceptions in the next game just to show how dirty I was willing to play. I don't know why Reggie has suddenly become such a poor choice at wide receiver, but I'm certain that in some way, the white man is to blame.

Terrell Owens: He carried my bags in from the team bus once, I thought he was with the hotel. Man knew how to take a suitcase to the face.

Mark Richt: I coached Reggie when he was a Bulldog, and I can safely say I've never seen anyone quite so crazy. Once, he poured wheatgrass into a Florida player's helmet, and when the guy put his helmet on, Reggie kicked him in the crotch. It would have helped if he hadn't done it in a bowl game, but that was Reggie. Once he got an idea, he was going to have sex to with it and there was nothing anybody could do to stop him.

Michael Lee: Reggie was a big inspiration to me as a kid. I had him in a money league last year, and it came down to the wire between me and someone in Minneapolis for $500. I was down eight points with only Reggie left to play, and the Minneapolis guy was already talking trash about what he was going to do with the money, he was either going to use it to pay for his son's dialysis or his own impending liver transplant. So I'm just sitting there, biding my time, and boom! Reggie catches a touchdown, gets a hundred yards and I won by one point. So, naturally, I could only say "HOW'D YOU LIKE THAT DIALYSIS, BITCH?" to the guy in Minneapolis. A couple of weeks later, I found out he died because he couldn't pay for his new liver and his heart stopped worrying about it. True story.

Bye Bye Unbeaten Records

Second Letter Saints 105 - 121 Indy Shredders - The first of presumably many division games in the Happy Drunks leagues ends with an unpleasant loss thanks to Marshawn Lynch getting snuffed out by Pittsburgh, San Diego's defence being shat on by Tom Brady, LaMont Jordan having ANOTHER fucking great game and Larry Fitzgerald being touchdown-less. Even Brady himself can't carry a team. I keep spelling Jordan's first name as "LaMonth". It must be a sign.

The Spanish Inquisition 80 - 114 Mapleton Dragons - Urgh. None of my three receivers broke a hundred yards or had a touchdown, and the Eagles got smacked down by Washington. I think that's all I need to say on that front.

Swiss Army Soldiers 109 - 112 Mike ConVick - So it's down to the last game of week 2, Washington and Philadelphia. The score sits at 107-112, with the last player on the board being Reggie Brown. If he has sixty yards receiving or a touchdown of any length, I'll win. The Redskins have a fairly weak set of corners, so I figure this should be a chipshot. He has 27 yards and loses me the game. If I'd started Brandon Jones in his place, the score would be 112-112.

London Knights 89.49 - 103.3 Earl Campbell EXPRESS - Maurice Jones-Drew continues to disappoint everyone up to and including Al Gore, mainly because LaMonth scored triple his points this week (15.9 compared to 5.1 for Nancy). Santonio Holmes didn't do me any favours either. Or Nate Kaeding. But mostly, the thing that killed me was Antonio Gates, Jerricho Cotchery, Marc Bulger, Marques Colston...basically everyone not on my team.

Christ Punchers 145.02 - 159.22 SJSM - In my defence, when I drafted most of these players I knew this team was going to be horrible this year. I'm keeping Tom Brady and Calvin Johnson at least, and almost certainly Steven Jackson as well (it depends where I finish. If I have the first overall pick come next year's draft, I may not keep him and see who else is left).

Team E.B.E. 118 - 107 Total Badasses - The Entities are the only team of mine to stay 2-0, and for that I have the Johnsons to thank. Cleveland's near-retarded defence gave up 32 points to Ocho Cinco, and Carolina's somehow dropped their guard long enough for Andre to pick up 24 himself - that's 56 points between two receivers, for those of you counting at home, and if you are your loneli-wait, I think I've heard this before. Of course, Nancy worked his/her magic here, doing his/her damndest to make us lose, but the Johnsons and Donald Driver toiled like pack horses to expunge such sissiness from the Entities. Then I find out Andre will probably be out next week, which is the biggest load of cunt ever.

There Is Something Deeply, Deeply Flawed In This World

Cincinnati scoring 38 points is not a shocker, nor is Carson Palmer throwing five touchdowns - against the porous Browns defence, anything less would have been the surprise. Thing is, there's only one way to explain Cleveland scoring 51 points in a single game, Jamal Lewis running for over two hundred yards in a single game and Derek Anderson also throwing five touchdown passes all occurring in the same game, but I can't see the Four Horsemen riding down my street so I'm fucking stumped. But that's not all going on in this world tonight - Houston beat Carolina 34-21, Tampa Bay won over New Orleans 31-14 and Green Bay smacked the shit out of the Giants 35-13. I may actually have to kill myself now, because I'm not sure I want to live in a world where Cleveland can score more than fifty points without getting a 30-point headstart.

Your Sport Picks Are Bad And You Should Feel Bad

Normally, I wouldn't do this to a fellow member of the blogotubes, but "Kenny O" decided to break the code of honour by shilling his blog on Kissing Suzy Kolber. If you didn't realise there was a code of honour, don't consider yourself too stupid because it doesn't really exist, it would be cool though. Anyway, Kenny O's blog mostly drew my ire because it sucks like an experienced Thai prostitute servicing George Bush - it has some random news, picks on the NFL's games that set records for brevity and a bias towards the Dallas Cowboys that is beyond stupid. Like I say, his picks ARE bad and he should feel bad, so screw his face into the wall. The best part of this is that Kenny O and HIS SPORT PICKS, to give it its proper title, were nominated in the Blogger's Choice Awards or Best Sports Blog - in comparison, KSK was not nominated, nor was Mudcrutch or the guy behind Lowetide. For shame.

SHAME.

Good News Bad News

The good news - Notre Dame is now 0-3. Notre Dame's Jimmy Clausen had 74 yards passing. Notre Dame is 0-3. Clausen got sacked nine times and lost 65 yards in total as a result. Notre Dame is 0-3. Notre Dame, over their first three games, has managed a total of minus fourteen rushing yards (which goes past chilly, past frozen and past absolute zero in terms of temperature-related sports metaphors, this is a whole new level of cold). No Notre Dame receiver managed more than 23 yards. Michigan lost two fumbles. Notre Dame is 0-3.

The bad news - Charlie Weis is still not going to get fired for this. Neither will Lloyd Carr for the debacles that were Appalachian State (FUCK YEAH) and Oregon. Michigan is 1-2. Finally, even with the shittiness that is these Fighting Irish, Rudy still wouldn't have made the team.

Week 1’s So What?

That title does sound more like something Sports Illustrated would come up with, but it seems about right. This is just going to be a post wrapping up the previous week, with an obvious bias towards the players and teams who won or lost me games.

1) Turns out Drew Brees getting his pass batted down into his own hands isn’t unheard of. If Peter King is to be believed, the first completion Brett Favre threw was to himself, catching a pass batted down by a member of the Buccaneers’ defence. Sure, it resulted in a seven-yard loss, but you can’t have everything.

2) My God, Notre Dame is fucking pathetic. Two losses is bad enough, but having a total run yardage of minus eight for the season – MINUS EIGHT FOR THE SEASON, in case I didn’t emphasise that enough – is just shit. Whoever’s in charge should just end themselves right now. They’re not going to get any love against Michigan either, because the Wolverines are going to be PISSED; however, if Michigan are as bad as the Pac-10 and the entirety of Division 1-AA now believes them to be, maybe it’s them who enters the season 0-3. I personally don’t care which, because either way, a team I despise is going 0-3.

3) Number of touchdowns scored by Mario Williams – 1. Number of touchdowns scored by Reggie Bush – 0. That’s the stat “du jour” being trumpeted by everyone not named Reggie Bush, and it’s fucking retarded. I’m glad Williams had a good game, because he’s gotten too much flak for something that’s really not his fault; he might not have produced like a #1 pick should have in Houston, but remember that a) he was a rookie, b) the Texans’ defence was awful and c) Houston picked him because they mistakenly thought Domanick Davis/Williams was their answer at running back. However, the people harping on here about Bush not scoring are ignoring the fact that the Colts’ defence came out incredibly well and Sean Payton made some stupid decisions calling plays; he only had twelve attempts. Even if you add in Deuce McAllister’s carries, the Saints ran the ball just 22 times, and against a defence that was formerly so horrible against the run AND with a superstar back in the making, why the fuck wouldn’t you run more?

4) Sadly, the AFC North now looks like it could go either way. Aside from the abso-fucking-lutely bullshit offensive pass interference call on Todd Heap that denied him a touchdown – see, this is the folly of the challenge system. Because Brian Billick had already used the three timeouts, he couldn’t make a challenge on a play that, when the replays were shown on TV, was so obviously DEFENSIVE pass interference it made me cry – Baltimore didn’t look as nasty defensively as we have before, and the Bengals looked a bit mediocre on offence themselves. We may have bottled up Rudi Johnson and Carson Palmer (yardage-wise, at least), but the fumbles were just a colossal joke. Three in the first quarter means someone should get fired, because we were never going to come back from that.

5) Steven Jackson may want to explain how he managed to equal the amount of fumbles he lost last year in a single game. The Panthers’ defence has been known to be useful on occasion, but they’re not 58-yard-good and so some of the blame has to go on Jackson. It can’t have been a case of “nine in the box” because the Rams’ passing attack would have eaten them alive, so what’s the problem?

6) I despaired when I heard Josh McCown was going to be starting for Oakland and not Daunte Culpepper, who, by all accounts, had a better preseason, and I’m not quite sure why I started Ronald Curry over Sidney Rice or Dwayne Bowe. Regardless, the decision was sound – even with Andre Johnson’s big game against Kansas City, Anquan Boldin and Larry Fitzgerald flubbing in their games made Curry the best receiver on the Saints, with 19 points. I’m hoping that the Cardinals’ performances were just aberrations because I’ve got a significant amount invested in them.

7) I said elsewhere that my pick for Rookie of the Year would be Ben Grubbs if players in the trenches had a fighting chances, but since they rarely do, my pick went to Patrick Willis of the 49ers; while his first week performance could just be a flash in the pan, nine solo tackles, two assists and a forced fumble is a good stat-line by anyone’s standards (unless you were a Bengal on Monday).

8) Ignoring the other storylines going on in New York, what’s with everyone overvaluing Derrick Ward? OK, the guy’s going to start for the Giants, that’s fair enough, but Warrick Dunn starts for the Falcons and people aren’t beating one another with shitty sticks to have the honour of having him on their team. He had a good performance against the Cowboys, but the Dallas defence in general was proven to be more hype than anything, so why did one stupid owner think it a good idea to drop Fred Taylor for him? Sure, Taylor’s sharing carries with Maurice Jones-Drew, but Ward goes up against Green Bay and Philadelphia in the next three weeks, both sturdy defences. I’d be happy to bet that A.J. Hawk and Nick Barnett will make him miserable. The players in that particular league seem very happy to jump onto anyone with good performances – aside from Ward, one team dropped L.J. Smith for THE CLEATED CRUSHER and another dumped Chad Pennington for Brady Quinn. Even the Sex Cannon himself wasn’t safe, being dumped for Jake Delhomme.

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Second Letter Saints 129 – 118 azbound – Thanks to a clutch of brilliant performances, the Saints’ 129 points puts me top of the overall standings. Of all nine players, only two failed to reach the ten-point mark – Fitzgerald and Randy McMichael – but they were compensated for by Tom Brady’s 29 points and the San Diego Chargers scoring 23. Not only was Curry the best receiver on the team, but he was also the third-best point producer.

Swiss Army Soldiers 87 – 92 Zoolanders – The crowning turd in the waterpipe of the Ravens/Bengals game was that, if Steve Freeman hadn’t decided that sensible officiating was so last season, Todd Heap’s touchdown would have given me the win here by a single point. Admittedly, McNair’s horrible performance had more than something to do with it, as he had zero points thanks to the interception and the three fumbles – believe it or not, but I’d have been better off playing Philip Rivers against the Bears – and Reggie Brown’s inexplicable disappearance from the Packers game did nothing to help me either.

Spanish Inquisition 95 – 74 EXCALIBUR – Reggie Brown struck again, but I had a comfortable lead before Monday night thanks to Eli Manning and the Giants torching the Cowboys’ defence; even though the Inquisitors had both the 26-point Jon Kitna and Ronald Curry on the bench, Matt Schaub actually had a damn good game in his first as a Texan, always pleasing to see. I will confess to not quite knowing where the 95 figure came from until I added everything up by hand, though.

Team E.B.E 96 – 93 itsSEXtastic – While neither team reached their projected totals and there were disappointments across the board, I have Joseph Addai and Andre Johnson principally to thank for this win. The Steelers’ defence made up for Vernon Davis not getting a single point, while Johnsons both Andre and Chad provided the points Maurice Jones-Drew failed to. All in all, there’s not much complain about here.

Christ Punchers 134.7 – 114.54 bonecrushaz – The oblique scores are courtesy of Fleaflicker’s style of scoring; in their case, a running back with 58 yards would receive 5.8 points, whereas in most other places, he’d get 5 for it. Despite some horrible Fantasy performances from some players – Terrell Suggs didn’t score and Adalius Thomas had one point for one tackle, while Robert Meachem didn’t play period against the Colts – and a fantastic performance from the benched Mario Williams, whose 15 points gave him the same amount as Suggs, Thomas, Brian Dawkins and Nick Barnett put together, I rode Tom Brady and the Baltimore defense to this victory. Brady had 34.5 points, the Ravens 35 thanks to Ed Reed’s punt return touchdown and blocking the first extra point and Calvin Johnson 17 in a great debut game for him.