Ness, We Hardly Knew Ye

So the current rumour going around is that one of the Original Twelve (it's like the NHL's Original Six, but twice as good. 6 * 2 = 12, you see.) from Super Smash Brothers is going to be cut for the upcoming se-sequel, Super Smash Brothers Brawl, and the expected target is one of Jigglypuff, Ness and Luigi. The news that Ness was included in this list made a little part of me die inside, especially since it was followed by the speculation that the Mother/Earthbound series would be represented by Mother 3's protagonist, Lucas. This would, of course, be a giant "lol u" to everyone outside Japan, since Mother 3 was only released there - the chances of it being translated for American sale is tiny already, making the chance of an English release as likely as Satan being let back into Heaven - but that's neither here nor there. My complaint is with cutting Ness and cutting Ness alone.

See, I play Ness. I played him in the original, by virtue of getting my cartridge used and having him (and the other characters besides) already unlocked when I first played it, and so I naturally played it in the sequel. He was significantly de-powered in the switch from the N64 to the Gamecube, but I persevered because Earthbound holds the title as "Best Console Game" in my eyes - it would be "Best Game Period" were it not for Fallout 2. Losing him would be a metaphorical kick in the pills with a steel-toed jackboot, hence my hissy fit at the possibility. To cut Ness when there are innumerable clones that could be removed is worse than stupidity, it is sacrilege. Maybe that's overstating it a little, but fuck you this is my tantrum.

Clones, for those of you unaware, are characters who play in a very similar or the same way as an existing character. Falco is a clone of Fox, for example - there are slight differences between the two, such as Fox's blaster attack being automatic (to put it real world terms) but having no stopping power, whereas Falco's blaster is semi-automatic but stops the opponent when it hits, but at their core the two are the same. Doctor Mario is a nearly-identical clone of Mario, so much so that all that would be needed to create Doctor Mario is to take a sprite of Mario and make a few aesthetic adjustments. He's basically a costume change. If anybody read this but me, I'd wager the Smash Brothers fanatics would call me a henchman of the Devil for daring to claim such, but that's a moot point at best.

To summarise - Lucas can suck on a cactus while Ness rocks (THE FUCK) out to More Than A Feeling.

Dultrades part 6

Shayne Graham for David Akers, straight-up. The reason this doesn't qualify as a loltrade is because both men have the personality and charisma of a slice of wholewheat bread. More importantly, Psychobilly Freakout caved in like the bitch it is and coughed up that one extra star is needed and goddamn it felt good. Sadly, it was followed not long after by the progression to Hard, which was a shock to the system with the introduction of the pretty orange fret but especially Woman. Woman went from being a docile, tame piece of shit to God's own failure machine, thanks mostly to the horrible horrible descending triplets in the bridge. Completely uncoincidentally, I was watching "Rain King", a series 6 episode of the X-Files, and is was given a bundle of disturbing implications by the continued use of "making it rain". I laughed more than I should have, really, and that's probably because I haven't slept in thirty hours. Hey ho.

Bear is driving how can this be?

Seriously. Nine out of ten unlicensed taxis are driven by bears in human suits. Stay alive - stay informed. In other news, Psychobilly Freakout still remains unfivestarred but Beast and the Harlot now has a set of twinkling gold stars next to it. Yes, somehow I can 100% one of the top tier things but can't even get to second base with its uglier cousin. Bear is driving, dammit, bear is driving.

Shiny gold stars

...indicate 100% otherfucker. Yes, it's only Shout At The Devil, but after the atrocity of Psychobilly Freakout anything is good going. Also Tonight I'm Gonna Blah Blah Blah, which is the better achievement because it's just better than Shout.

Reverend Horton Heat can suck my balls

Because Psychobilly Freakout is kicking my ass on Medium. MEDIUM. I want to five-star the fuck so I can get on with Hard, but nooooooooooooooo, it seems intent to stay as difficult and unpleasant as ever just to irritate me. Hence, the Reverend and his flock can fuck themselves with a series of random logs. Even Medium Jordan wasn't this bad, and that was merciless.