Loltrades Part 1

Barely two hours after putting Matt Leinart on the block and asking for wide receivers or running backs in return does somebody come back to me with a trade, and it’s one I have to think about. Admittedly, I’m not thinking about accepting it, I’m thinking about whether Rex Grossman would have turkey or turkey and bacon in his sandwich because the Sex Cannon is involved in the discussions. It breaks down as follows:

To the Saints: Muhsin Muhammad, WR, Chicago Bears
Fred Taylor, RB, Jacksonville Jaguars
Sexy Rexy, QB, Chicago Bears

To the Ky Cool Cats: Fitty, WR, Arizona Cardinals
Willis McGahee, RB, Baltimore Ravens (FUCK YEAH)
Matt Leinart, QB, Arizona Cardinals

Even at first glance, you can tell this trade borders on the clinically insane. Even if I broke it down into three trades – Fitty for Moose, Taylor for Willis and so on – the only one I’d even consider is Willis for Taylor. Moose is a #2 receiver in Chicago with a questionable ball-thrower while Rex IS that questionable ball-thrower, and the Jags have three running backs who want carries; in contrast, Fitty is sex, Leinart should really be my starter and Willis was my second pick. When I actually put Leinart on the block, I was looking for a good Fantasy receiver, someone like Deion Branch, who’d be a #2 option on most other teams. Instead, I got this. I think my reply – quote unquote “Are you fucking kidding me? No, absolutely not, not in a thousand years.” - hit the right note; condescending with a hint of arrogance.

Team #1 - The Second Letter Saints

A stupid name for a stupid team. Except the name kicks ass and the team is bitching, so fuck yeah Saints. There is a story behind the name, but this time it IS a stupid story – it doesn’t have any sex in it, so it’s a bad story. So the Saints were the team I was awake to draft, so it is less tailed to depth at the traditional positions, and probably looks like it sucks.

Quarterbacks – Tom Brady starts, after being picked in the first round (pick #10 overall, between Larry Johnson and Joseph Addai), and he’s backed up by Matt Leinart (pick #111 overall, two picks after Matt Schaub and ten after Eli Manning. That name really has some influence). It’s probably the best quarterback duo in the league, rivalled only by the Peyton Manning/Philip Rivers pairing of Azbound07, but I’m naturally biased so I say I win on this front. However, Leinart is on the block because I'm not going to bench Brady any time except Week 10; as a potential replacement for him, I also took the liberty of picking up J.P. Losman, who will have to be Brady's bye-week replacement.

Running Backs – The starters are Willis McGahee (pick #15 overall, picked before Reggie Bush and Lawrence Maroney, which could well come back to bite me in the ass) and Marshawn Lynch (pick #63 overall, also the first rookie to be picked), which is a fairly serviceable pair. I stand by Buffalo’s pisspoor offensive line as the reason McGahee never lived up to his potential, but if that’s true, it should mean Lynch will have problems himself…bad logic is all the rage in the West End, I hear. If things go right, McGahee will kick ass behind Baltimore’s O-line and Lynch will fulfil the predictions of being the most NFL-ready rookie of the ’07 draft class; if they go wrong, on the other hand, McGahee will tank and Lynch will get pounded into the mud. To make matters worse, the #3 rusher is Lorenzo Booker, a man who’s not even the starter for his club. Sure, he might end up splitting carries with Ronnie Brown, but he’s not exactly the best bye-week replacement. Basically, if either Willis or Marshawn get injured or suck, I’m fucked up the ass. This all said, there are a number of free agents halfbacks who could and probably will replace Booker, so who knows.

Wide Receivers – I’m lucky enough to have a #1 receiver and a #1A receiver to play about with, those being Larry Fitzgerald (pick #34 overall) and Andre Johnson (pick #39 overall). Unfortunately, from there it gets a little murkier – I have Sidney Rice and Reche Caldwell, one of whom I have to play alongside Fitty and Andre. It’s not exactly a problem, because they’re both playable, but there you go. The halfback situation sucks, the receiver one does not. Of course, Week 10 will be a headache because both Andre and Caldwell are out on byes.

Tight Ends – Randy McMichael (pick #82 overall) is the only one I have. I did draft Owen Daniels as well, but I think I dropped him to pick up Rice. McMichael does have to fight for receptions alongside Drew Bennett, Isaac Bruce and Torry Holt, but about six hundred yards and a handful of scores is a good score for any tight end.

Kicker – Adam Vinatieri (pick #87 overall). Adam Goddamn Vinatieri. That’s all I need to say. Of course, he may inadvertently have been traded for Robbie Gould, I don’t know yet, but that’s not exactly a crippling loss.

Defensive Units – The Chargers’ unit (pick #58 overall) is the starting one for obvious reasons; it’s one of the Big Five (the others, if you’re interested, are Baltimore, Chicago, Pittsburgh and New England). Backing them up are Oakland’s defense, cue the screams of horror at picking an Oakland player. I was as surprised as anyone to find that Oakland actually were a good team defensively last year, mostly because they sucked balls going forward.

Trading trading trading a kicker for a kicker

This is not the first trade I've been offered, but it is the first one I've actually had to consider. As you can guess, it's a straight swap of two kickers - I've been offered Robbie Gould in exchange for Adam Vinatieri. I had Gould last year, and he was pretty fucking awesome for someone I vaguely remember picking up in one of the last rounds of the live draft (or possibly in free agency after the draft, I'm not sure), so if I had anyone else lining up at kicker I'd be happy to make the deal. However, this is Adam Vinatieri - he won a playoff game by himself last year, he has possibly the best offense in the league pushing him forward and he's nigh-automatic on field goals. If this were a keeper or a dynasty league, I'd obviously have to take Vinatieri's advanced years into consideration (did you know he's been around for twelve years? I thought he was younger than that), but it's not. It doesn't help matters any that the team attempting to make the trade with me - Indy Shredders, although these names will mean nothing to you - will be in my division.

Hence, I said no. It's just trading a #1 kicker for a #1 kicker, and I can't see any point in it. Unfortunately, my hand had something else to say in the matter - it chose to accept the trade instead. This is probably because I seem to have no hand-eye coordination any more. The trade is going through a voting period, so assuming the Indy Shredders player doesn't cancel it like I asked him to (although why he would I'm not sure, I've had misplaced faith in internet peoples before), I have to rely on the other players to vote against it. Goddammit, I might be slightly retarded.

I mentioned another trade above, the first one I was offered, and this one was easy to say no to. I was offered D.J. Hackett and Vernand Morency in exchange for Larry Fitzgerald, and even without knowing anything about the Second Letter Saints' halfback and wide receiver depth situation you should be able to tell that's not a deal anyone wants to take. Giving up a stud receiver like Fitty for a pair of #3 players at best? That's lulzworthy at best. And yes, my team is named the Second Letter Saints - it makes sense to me.